
Library of Congress. 


UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 


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THE 


BAD BOY ABROAD. 

“The Funniest Book of the age.” 



WALTER T. GRAY. 

3^ 


NEW YORK: 

J. S. OGILYIE & COMPANY, 
31 Rose Street. 









k.** 










r- ; 


# 














r 










COPYRIGHT, 1883, BY 

J. S. OGILVIE. 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 












!& t « 













GETTIN REDDY. 


“ Say, Georgie, I hear the old man’s goin’ 
to make a trip to Europe.” “ When’s he 
goin to start, eh ? ” 

“ Bout a week, Ma’s goin ’long, to keep 
Pa strate, Ma’s ’frade them French and 
Spannish gals ’ll be too much for Pa, and 
as I want to keep fresh, in the langages, 
I'm goin too, to perform the inturprater 
act. Say, Jim, Polly vu fransay, we, we, 
Machair madam, how’s that ? ” 

“ Thats the French for, Don’t you wish 
you was goin with us ? Come ’long up to 
the house, and I’ll give you my box of 
stubs. Pa says peepel what travils in You- 
rope, orter smoke pure Havanah Cigars, so 
I guess I’ll help him use up the 1000 he 
bort the other day. Pa says, if I’m a good 
boy, he’ll take me to the Boys-der-Bolog¬ 
na, in Paree, and let me ride a n’ostrich. 


4 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


You bet I’ll be good, and keep an eye on 
him, cos I hearn him tellin old Col Sparcy, 
that he used to kno a Spanish Senorita in 
New York, what was the daisyest kind of 
a daisy. Now if there’s eny sparkin goin 
on, you bet I’ll be there, Jim. I’ll rite, 
and tell you bout everything I seen.” 


LETTER NO. I. 

THE JURNEY ON THE SLEEPER. — YOUR MUNNEY, 
GENTS.—JURSEY SKEETERS.—GRAND OPENIN. 

Grand Centril, New York: 
Dear old chum : Well here we are at 
the Grand Centril in New York. Pa says 
if he gets thru this trip, he’ll live to be as 
old as Nebudkaiser, he says he orter sent 
me to a n’orphun ’sylum, cos I spoil all his 
pleasure. I guess he’s all rite now for I 
seen him, with one of them actor gals on 
his knee, down in a Concirt Hall wile Ma 
was takin a nap. Well you’d dide, if you’d 





The Bad Boy Abroad . 


5 


seen the fat old woman, in the sleeper, 
jump and holler, when I climed in the 
rong birth, longside of her. She sung out, 
“ mirder ! ” and the Corndoctor pulled the 
bell rope, and I jumped out in the ile and 
sed “ Your munney gents; here’s the 
James boys!” Pa, he hid his hed under 
the does, but Ma, she knowd my voice, 
and grabbed hold of me, and I guess I’d 
got it, if she hadn’t ben ’frade of xposin 
the familee skeleton. 

When I got in my own birth I culd’n’t 
sleep a wink, cos there was a old feller in 
the next birth, a snorin so. I got a fether, 
out of the piller, and reached over, and 
tickeled his neck. Well you’d split your¬ 
self, if you’d seen him tryin to shoo it off; 
purty soon he called the porter and arst 
him if we’d struck New Jursey yet, cos 
there was the durndest, biggest skeeter 
knawin at him, that he ever seen, outsider 
Jursey. I got tired playin skeeter, so I 
went to get a drink, and found where the 



6 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


porter kept his blackin, they say oil’s good 
for leather, so I goes to the lady’s wash 
room, and gets the Hare oil bottel, and 
mixed it up with the blackin. You bet, 
that darky swett shinin bout 20 pares of 
shoes. Most everybodie was mad at him 
in the mornin, and did’n’t give him a cent. 
Pa told me to go to his sachel, and give 
the darky a quarter, so I gave him a 5 dol¬ 
lar gold peice. Pa says charaty is the first 
of virchews, so I guess I’ll be charatabel. 

In the mornin we had to side track, neer 
a pond, so I jumped out, and cot a little 
bull frog, and put it in the grub basket be- 
longin to the old ladie, what told Ma, she 
orter make her boy kno his place. I guess 
the frog knu his place wen she opened the 
basket, cos you’d thot that car was a grand 
openin of stripped stockins and ’mbroiderie, 
wot fules sum wimmin are to jump up on 
the seets, and hollar, and pull up there 
skirts, all on account of a little bull frog. 
We’re goin to the theater tonit-e, and will 



The Bad Boy Abroad. j 

sale at i2clock tomorrer. I feel like a 
saler allreddy. 

Yours in New York, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. II. 

CAVOORTIN LANKEY LILLIE. — HIS MA IN A ’MBAR- 
RISIN POSISHSHUN.—FIRE IN 44.—ONHEST NEW 
YORKERS.—ALL ABORD. 

Steemer Servia, Jursey City. 
Land Lubber Jim : I take the chanse 
fore we start to rite you a line or two. To 
begin with, Pa & Ma & me went to the 
show, and seen a woman what called her¬ 
self Mrs. Lankey Lillie, cavoortin round 
the staige showin her ankels, what was like 
her name, & tryin to pass herself off as a 
perfesshunal buty, wen her face culd’n’t 
hold a candel to our teecher’s. Pa said he 
could count, more’an hundred purtier 
ankels, eny muddy day on Euclid Avenew. 
I kinder tired on the show, & I cot a fel* 




8 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


ler tryin to flirt with a gal in front of me, 
so I rote a billett ducks tellin him I was 
ded struck after him, and I handed it to 
him tellin him that the gal in front had 
told me to. He ansered it & give me half 
a dollar, and wen the bissness was out, 
you’d berried yourself if youd seen that 
gals husband, nock him sprawlin, when he 
arst to see her home. It was purty late 
wen we got back to the hotel, Pa had to 
see a man, so Ma & me went up to our 
room. Gee Wiz ! but they do put on stile 
in New York. Ma got off her things, & 
was puttin the creme on her face what, she 
says, she uses for pimpels, and I was takin 
in the fixtures, wen I run ’cross a bord 
with a lot of wite nobs on it; I run my 
hand ’long it, and purty soon a darky bust 
into the room and says : “ Here’s your 
water, ’mam.” Ma, she got as red as a 
peonee, and then the chambermade come 
runnin in, and went for Ma, & sed the 
sheets was clene, & good enuf for her. Ma 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


9 


told her the sheets was all rite, and was jest 
gettin into bed, wen the feller, what wares 
the big diemond, shoved his hed in the 
door and hollered, “What trane do you 
warnt to go on ? ” Ma blushed, & sed she 
did’n’t warnt to go on eny trane, and wen 
I arst him wot the bord, with them nobs 
was for, he sed, “ durn you, it was you 
rung 44.” 

Ma succeeded in gettin into bed, and I 
took off my cote & vest, & hung ’em, on 
a close hook, by the bed, &, in less than a 
secuna, more’an a hundred bells was 
ringin, and peepel was shoutin “ Fire,” and 
Ma and me rushed out to see where it was. 
The Hall was full of men & wimmin in 
there nite gownds, and purty soon a couple 
of darkies come ’long with a xtingusher, 
and sung out, “ Fire in 44,” and squirted a 
narsty smellin stuff, all over Ma & me. 
Wen they found out there warn’t no fire, 
they was goin to throw me outer the win¬ 
der. Ma had to borrer one of Pa’s nite 




io The Bad Boy Abroad\ 

gownds, to sleep in, cos her’s was all wet. 
Pa says he’d ship me home by xpress if I 
was wurth payin the charges. 

About ten this mornin, we took the bus 
& druv down past the Brooklyn & New 
York bridge, to the Ferry bote. You orter 
seen the bridge, its more’an 20 times as 
big as the Vidict. Pa says there’s 15 mil- 
lyuns of munney in it. New Yorkers 
must be orful onhest, to let it stay there. 
You bet it would’n’t stay there long, if Pa 
& our minister, lived in New York. Soon 
as we got on the ferry bote to go to Jursey 
city, Pa begun to blow bout his being 
such a saler, wen he was a boy. He’s been 
round the Horn more’an a dozen times, & 
never knowd wot it was to be seesick. 
Wen we got abord here, the captin he was 
orful good to me, and patted me on the 
hed, & sed I was a good little boy, & pro- 
missed to show me the compass, in the 
barnacle, & let me take the son, with the 
sexton. We’re goin to start in 10 minutes. 

Your saler frend, Georgie. 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


11 


LETTER NO. III. 

HIS PA IS TO BE TAMED—THE INISHIASHUN. — OH ! 

THEM HARD EGGS !—YARNIN.—KEEP HER DUE SOW 

YEAST. 

At Sea, Steemer Servia. 

Dare Jim —I guess now the Captin 
wishes he hadn’t been so familyur, with me, 
wen we first got acquainted. He says it 
was a case of Mrs. Placed conferdense. 
We got underway ’bout noon, & steemed 
down the harber. Pa was feelin purty 
good, I guess, cos there’s a cuppel of singel 
wimmin abord, and Ma had a headache so 
she went b’low. I told them wimmin that 
Pa was a Cleveland milJyun hair, and a 
reg’lar woman hater, and they said they’d 
tame him, ’fore we crossed the brine. Pa 
likes to lalligag the gals, wen Ma aint 
round. 

Wen we got outside Sandy’s Hook, the 
Steemer begun playin see-saw, & purty soon 
I noticed Pa’s gills turn witish lookin, and 



12 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


I went up to the poop, where he was talkin 
to them wimmim & says :—“ Are you get¬ 
ting seesick alreddy ? ” He sed he felt a 
trifle bileyus, and had’n’t found his see legs 
yet. I noticed a madin ladie lookin sort of 
pitiful at Pa, so I went & arst her if she’d 
seen enything of Pa’s see lim-a-legs, (Ma 
says I shouldn’t say legs in the presence of 
lady’s) and she blushed and sed, “ the poor, 
dare man, has he lost them.” I guess the 
bile got kinder restless in Pa’s stummack, 
for purty soon, he leened over the railin, & 
them wimmin laffed, & sed he was payin 
his inishiashun fee to old Nepshun. I 
think old Nep inishiated lots cos most 
every bodie done like Pa. 

There was one old man, with his head 
berried in a curspadoor singin out “ Oh ! 
Oh ! ” I arst him what was the matter & 
he sed “ Oh, them hard eggs ! them hard 
eggs ! ” So I went down to the cabin and 
got that littel chick Ma give me last Easter, 
and wen he was’n’t lookin I dropped it in 




The Bad Boy Abroad. 13 


the cusspadoor, then I got him sum warm 
water & he throwed up a norful lot, & cot 
site of the chick & sung out:—“Jumpin 


Jehosifut! durn me if I did’n’t swaller a 
hole chicken, wen I eat them durn eggs at 
the Brunswick this mornin.” 

When the gong rung for supper, every 











14 The Bad Boy Abroad. 

one, exceptin the madin ladee & them wim- 
min what’s goin to tame Pa, sed they 
was’n’t hungry, so I galavanted them three 
down. I think the’re all sweet on me, es- 
pescially the madin ladee, the way she 
hugged me the other day, abaft the weel- 
house, wen no one was lookin, I felt orful 
sorry, wen she went sprawlin on the taller, 
what I rubbed on the step, to trip the 
cockney waiter wen he had a trayful of 
dishes. 

After supper I went down to the fore¬ 
casted and hearn the saler spinnin yarns. 
I used to think Jona’s wale had a norful 
big belly, but it warn’t nowhere longside of 
the one out in the South Sees what one of 
them fellers sed he seen swaller a hole canoe 
full of niggers & had to go ashore and 
spuciem up, cos he warnt used to such 
strong meet. Another feller told, bout 
wen he was on Hermageisteys “ Hells- 
corn” up in the Artie See, how a wale 
struck Hermageistey’s ship, and stove in 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


15 


her sturn, and got stuck there and swum 
the vessel 60 miles an hour, ’till she was 
beeched at Bombay, wen they had to get 
40 Lphants, to get the wale out & then he 
was ded drunk, cos he’d broke into the 
Offcers wine room and swallered all the 
bottels. 

Wen they got tired yamin, & got into 
the meel sacks what they have strung up 
on a cuppel of hooks, and sleep in, I 
slipped up on deck, and sung out. “8 
Bills, Starbird wach on deck.” You’d dide 
to see them fellers jump up and run aft & 
report to the Cap tin, “ All on deck.” The 
Captin say’s, you dumb fools, its only two 
bills, on your wach b’low, and then they 
went round lookin for that cussed little 
Yankee boy to douse him in the slush 
barr’l, but, you bet, he warnt round no¬ 
where. 

In the mornin the water was smoother’n 
ice, and most everybody had got rid of 
there bile, & there was’n’t a thing in site 



16 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


but water. About 8 o’clock, the Capen 
took me up on the bridge, and show’d me 
how to box the compass, and, wen he warnt 
lookin, I shoved a needel at the W., and 
the pint of that compass come round flyin. 
Soon as the Captin looked at it, he got 
orful mad and yelled out cuss words, thru 
the speekin tube, at the Quarter’s marster 
in the weelhouse. Wen I arst him what 
maid it fly round wen I put the needel in 
he llffed & sed ; “it was you, was it.” 
Then he hollered thru the speekin tube; 
“Keep her due Nor Yeast.” Wen I arst 
him what Nor was, he sed Nor was short 
for North, & Sow was short for South, 
and then he went b’low, to figure his ded 
recknin. I think it was orful meen of him 
tellin Pa, I was the baddest boy he’d ever 
set his two eyes on, jest cos I told the 
speekin tube to “ keep her due Sow Yeast.” 
It wasn’t my fait, for if the Captin hadn’t 
been makin love to the ladee, whats got 
the pugged nosed poodel, he’d found out 



i7 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 

the ship was goin Sow Yeast ’fore she got 
sixtey miles outer her corse. 

Theres a ship cummin along, so I’ll close 
this letter so as I can send it by her. 

Your much malined frend, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. IV. 

BILGE WATER—WASHIN THE POODEL—THE FANTOM 
SHIP—SMOKED GLASS—THE PIRATE CHASED—TO 
BE TRIDE BY A JURIE OF HIS PEARS. 

At See, Steemer “ Servia.” 
Dare Frend Jim —The other day, jest 
before dinner, I went for’ard, and got a lot 
of tar pich, and put a tiny ball on every- 
bodie’s chair, xcept them two gals, & the 
madin ladies, and wen they got bout thru 
dinner, I sung out, that there was a ship a 
comin, and you’d lafifed to se’em run, & 
hear there dresses tearin ; Pa left the seet 
of his linnen pants, on the chair. They all 





i8 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


sed it was my fait, and that Pa orter wip- 
ped me most to death jest cos they didn’t 
kno enuf not to sit down on a chunk of tar 
pich. Pa says he’s goin to send me home 
on the next ship we meet, all cos I tried to 
commodate the steward, wen he was fillin 
the ice water tanc, the nite they had the 
danse. I guess I got it outer the bilge 
pump ’stead of the fresh water tanc, eny- 
way them folks oughter’n’t to drank wen 
they was sweatin, if they had’n’t, the bilge 
water wouldn’t maid them throw up. 

Pa was askin the woman, what the Cap- 
tin’s makin luv to, how she kep her poodel 
dorg so wite, and she sed she washed him 
most every day wen she was home, but she 
guessed he’d get dirty on bord, cos she 
didn’t have no chance to clene him. Wen 
they went down to supper, I got the poo¬ 
del, and cut a long peace of cord, off the 
log line, and trailed him overbord, and the 
woman’s most crazee now, cos he got 
drownded. It warnt my fault, cos she orter 



The Bad Boy Abroad ’ 19 

learnt her dog to swim ’fore she took him 
to see. 

The Captin has a big telescope, what Pa 
was lookin thru and seen a ship, and then 
everybodie got them opera glasses, but they 
could’n’t see it, xcept thru the big one. 
The Captin, he got scart, and sed it must 
be the flyin Duchman, the fantom ship, 
what the salers sometimes see, off the 
bank of New Fundland, but I guess it was 
only the pictur what I transferred onto 
the end of the telescope, but they’ll never 
kno it, cos I rubbed it off this mornin. 

Pa says you orter look at the son thru a 
smoked glass, & wen I tride to look thru the 
sexton, it hurt my eyes, so I burnt a mach 
over the glass, & now the 1st leftentant’s 
mad at me, cos he’s lost the son, & he can’t 
get his recknin, why didn’t he tie a string 
to it ? 

Wile the passingers was down to dinner, 
today, I got Ma’s black dress, what she sat 
on the pich with the other day, & I hoisted 



20 The Bad Boy Abroad. 

it up where the English flag was. Purty 
soon a ’Merican man-a-war, come along & 
fired a gun over our ship, & sent a bote 
lode of mariners abord, what warnted us to 
surrendher. The Captin arst the feller, 
with the brass buttins, if war’d been de¬ 
clared tween ’Merica & England, on ac¬ 
count of Don Van Rossa and the Irish. 
The feller told him he was a durned pirate, 
& for him to take down that black flag. 
Then the captin looked up & seen Ma’s 
dress, & turned to me & told me: “ That 
was too much, and he’d have to have me 
tride by a juree of me pears.” They’ve got 
me locked up & tomorrow mornin the’re 
goin to try me, but you bet that Juree’s 
goin to disagree cos I’ve got it fixed like 
it was a Star Route juree. 

I think its orful mene, to lock up a good 
littel boy like me, in a state room, and give 
him nothin but bred and water; but I 
guess they didnt kno bout the jellee & 



The Bad Boy Abroad, 


21 


cake, the madin ladee brot me. I’ll rite 
you all ’bout the trile next letter. 

Yours, in trubbel, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. V. 

THE TRILE BY JUREE.—DISAGREEMENT.—IN QUARAN- 
TEEN.—HIS PA AS A SMUGGLER.—REVENGE IS SWETE. 

Steemer “ Servia,’’ 
Liverspool Harber, 1 

Frend Jim : 

I was keepin a diry, all ’long, till they 
locked me up, ’fore the trile, and then I 
did’n’t get no chance, so I had to give it 
up. 

The Cort conveened, & the Captin was 
chosen Judge. The Madin ladee, she 
xamined the witnusses, and talked orful 
good for me, but the woman, what had' 
the pugged noesed poodel, that got drown- 
ded, was prosercutin aturney, & she told 
the Juree, I was a norful bad boy, and orter 





22 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


be hung up by the thumbs, and given 40 
lashes with the cat. The Judge enstruck- 
ted the juree to find me guiltee, and then 
he’d sentence me to kiss the “ gunner’s 
dorter.” My aturney sed it was a horrid, 
narsty shame, for all them big peepel, to be 
down on a good little boy like me, that 
wuld’n’t hurt a kitten. 

When the juree come back they reported 
that they culd’n’t agree, cos them two gals, 
what I didnt put no pich on there seetes, 
& whats tryin to tame Pa, wuldnt ballet 
for a vurdict of gilty. I was sorry, cos I 
didnt get no chanse to kiss the gunner’s 
dorter, but the madin ladee says, that menes 
to be stripped, & lade across a gun, wile 
the Bowswain gives you a lickin. 

I did’n’t get a chanse to have no more 
fun, cos they wached me orful close, till we 
got here. 

The Helth Doctor’s put us in quaranteen, 
cos he sed he smelt smallpox. The ship, 
& passingers, has all got to be fumeigated, 



The Bad Boy Abroad ’ 


23 


’fore there allowed to go ashore. Theres a 
norful stink down in the hole, where the 
baggage is stowd, & there bringin the 
trunks up on deck, so I guess I’ll run up 
now & see what’s the matter. 

Poor old Prince, my dorg, is ded, & 
there aint enything left of him, but worms 
& bones. Who’d a thot he’d dide, wen I left 
him lots to eat, ’fore I locked him up in my 
trunk, wen we left home. The passingers is 
all glad cos it was only Prince, what smelt 
so bad, & the Doctor’s goin to let ’em go 
ashore. 

The Captin says he’s goin to sue Pa, 
for 10,000 dollars damurrages, he says, 
thru that little id jots dampholishness, the 
ship’s lost three days time. 

Wen the Kustom House Offcers come 
abord to xamine the baggage, I pint-ed Pa 
out to one of them and says :— 

“ Do you see that feller with the big red 
knoes ? ” 

“ That h’old ’arf and ’arf guzzler,” says he. 



24 The Bad Boy Abroad. 

'‘Well,” said I, “that mans tryin to 
smuggel a lot of Havannah Cigars, and 
you orter keep a n’eye on him.” 

Then I goes to another offcer, and shows 
him the poodel dorg woman, & told him she 
was goin to smuggel, more an a hundred 
’Merican waches,cos I seen them & hearn the 
captin tellin her to go to the Queens Hotel, 
& wen the Kustom House Offcers had 
gone, he’d bring the waches up there. 
Then the Offcers arrested her & the Captin, 
and was goin to take Pa too, only I told 
’em that was the rong feller, that the other 
one, had gone ashore. I guess the pugged 
noesed Poodel woman, & the Captin, ’ll 
have some trubbel gettin outer jale. Next 
time they’ll kno better, than to try & make 
a good little boy, like me, kiss the dorter 
of the gunner. 

Yours, ahead, 


Georgie. 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


25 


LETTER NO. VI. 

TORPEDO PRACTICE IN THE RALEWAY STASHUN.— A 
SUSPICHUS LEEK.—GEORGIE AS A PARFUMIER. 

Princesses Hotel, Lundon. 

Dare Lorwd Jamwes— 

Wen we got ashore after leavin the Ser- 
via, we druv rite up to the Raleway Stashun 
eos we had to take the nite xpress trane 
for Lundon. They dont have no ’lectric 
lite here, like they have in our Onion depot 
in Cleveland, & it was orful dark & smoky. 

I was lookin round, and seen a big En- 
gun comin along, & I happened to think, 
that the Torpedo, we found on the track, 
the day we went to Newburg, was in my 
pocket, so I lade it on the rale, when no 
one was lookin, and you’d dide to seen the 
Enguneer & fireman, jump off, when they 
hearn the xploshun. The peepel they all 
run, like they was kicked by a mule, & the 
Engun went smashin into a lot of passin- 



26 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


ger cars, and leeft nothin, of them, but a 
pile of splinters. Wen the perlice found 
out, there warnt eny more danger, they 
come along, and arrested every man, what 
looked like a Irishman, and sed it was a 
nother plot, of the Finians, to blow up 
England. But I guess when we get over 
to Paree, I’ll rite, & tell ’em, they orter be 
’shamed of themselves, gettin scared at 
nothin but a little torpedo. Pa got whiter- 
an-a sheet & run, & left Ma & me, & Wen 
he come back, he sed the English orter 
transport every durn Irishman in the coun¬ 
try. 

We had to wait two hours, till they maid 
up a nother trane, & wen we got started it 
was pich dark. 

The cars over here aint a bit like our’n, 
there all divided up into littel compart¬ 
ments, like so menny hencoops, with room 
for about 8 peepel. Wen we got in the 
door, on the side, the corndoctor locked it, 
for fear we’d jump out, before we’d pade 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


27 


our fare. There was bout half a dozen 
passingers in our coop, & they all went to 
sleep, xcept me. I felt orful cold, cos 



“ YOUD DIDE TO SEEN THAT DORG JUMP OVER THE RAILIN.” 

(See page 32.) 


there warnt no stoves, like there is in our 
home cars, so I took the warmin pan from 
under Pa’s feet, & lade it on the seet, 
tween me and a stilish dressed young ladee. 



























































28 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


I guess I got to monkeyin with it, for the 
stopper come out, & before I could get it 
in again, all the warm water spurted out 
on the cushuns. You bet, I put that pan 
down mity quick, cos I noticed, the ladee 
gettin kind of restless, so I purtended to 
be sound a sleep, & purty soon she gets up 
& shakes herself, & looked round, kind of 
ashamed like, and then took hold of me, 
& tride to swap places, but I woke up, and 
arst her what wet the seet, where she’d 
been sittin; she sed, she guessed, it must 
have leeked thru the roof of the car. 

After a wile, she went to sleep again, & 
I got sort of hungry, so I took sum of 
Pa’s limbugger cheese, & crackers. Pa 
says limbugger orter be toasted, so I held 
mine over the lamp, & I guess sum of it 
must of fell on it, cos, purty soon, there 
was the durndest stink you ever smelt, & 
it woke everybody up, but me. They 
hunted round the car, but they couldnt 
find no pole cat, nor nothin else, and they 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


29 


had to get the Cornductor, to put us in a 
nother car; cos they was all most suffer- 
kated. It was most dalite ’fore we got to 
Lundon, so we druv up here, & Pa & ma’s 
gone to bed, wile I’m ritin to you. 

Your Lundon frend, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. VII. 

HE VISITS THE TABERNICKLE & MAKES THE PREE- 
CHER SWARE.—AMONG THE BRITUSH DED.—DAN- 
NYMIGHT IN THE HOUSE OF LORDS. 

London, Eng. 

Dare Frend : Yesterday was Sunday, 
& Ma and Pa did’n’t get up to brakefast, 
so I slipped out of the Hotel, & went ’long 
with the crowd, till I got to a grate big 
Church, I think they called it the Taber- 
nickle. There was a norful crowd, and I 
had to squeeze my way up to the front 
seets, and they was all full, so I had to 
stand up. Purty soon, they all begun a 




30 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


singin splendid, & then the Minnystur got 
up in the pulpit to preech. He was talkin 
bout Hell, & wen he got warmed up, he’d 
come down the stairs of the pulpit, and 
a straddle of the bannisters, and commence 
pullin himself up, and as soon as he’d get 
up a little bit, he’d slide back, sorter sud¬ 
den, & tell the Congragation, how easy it 
was, to fall down to Hell, & how hard it 
was, to get up to Heaven. The last time 
he got purty near up to the top of the ban¬ 
nisters, & then he turned round & says :— 
“ My dare heerers, you may almost reech 
the top of the ladder, when you make a 

misstep, & plunge down again to-” 

(and then he slid down orful fast, & I guess 
he struck the bent pin what I lade on the 
bottom cos he sed—“ Hell ” ! so loud, most 
every bodee thot he was swarin). 1 don’t 
think minnysturs orter sware, even if they 
sumtimes do sit down, purty hard on a 
bent pin. 

This morn in, we Went out to Westmin- 




The Bad Boy Abroad. 


3 i 


ster’s Abbey, & seen the tombstones, of all 
the English Kings, & Queens, what are 
ded. They’ve got statutes of most of ’em, 
strung round, so as you can tell which is 
which. Pa says, he dont see what they 
need to make such a norful fuss bout them, 
after there ded, cos most of ’em, warn’t eny 
too good wen they was livin. I dont like 
to look at so many toombstones, it makes 
me feel solemn, & I can’t ’njoy myself. 

We got dinner at a chop house, &, in the 
afternoon, we went to the Houses of Par- 
layment. Pa says they can’t shake a stick 
at our Capital, at Washinton. The House 
of Lords was in Sesshun, so we went into the 
visters gallary. There was more’an a hun¬ 
dred old men, sittin in the orchester cheers. 
Everyone of them, had on a big black 
gownd, & long wite hare. Ma says the 
gownds was cut jest like her last yares doll- 
man. They talk like Horsecar Wild, what 
was lecturin in Cleveland. Pa says they 
reprisent the nobility, & flour of old En- 



3 2 


The Bad Boy Abroad ’ 


glush cavalry, he says there the bravest lot 
of men, in the wurld. 

There was a ladee, with a grate big dorg, 
sittin next to me, & wile she was listenin 
to one of them Lords talkin bout the Irish 
outrages, I tied a bunch of Jackson crack¬ 
ers, to his tale & set fire to one of ’em, & 
when the first one went off, youd dide to 
seen that dorg jump over the railin, rite in¬ 
to the middel of them Lords, the fire 
crackers goin off, one by one. I guess some- 
bodee lide to Pa, when they told him them 
Lords was brave, cos they jumpt round and 
hollered so, you’d thot they was crazee, & 
sung out that the Finian? was blowin ’em 
up, with Dannymight, all cos a big dorg 
was havin a 4th of July, firin off crackers 
outer his tale. 

Yours for fun, 

Georgie. 



The Bad Boy Abroad, 


33 


LETTER NO. VIII. 

ST. PAUL’S.—THE WISPERIN GALLARY GIVES HIS PA 
AWAY.—BEWEAR OF STRANGE WIMMIN. 

London, Eng. 

Dear Jimmy : 

We took in Saint Paul’s Catheedral to¬ 
day, Pa says its the 3rd biggest Church in 
the wurld. The outside’s, like eny other 
church, only it has a grate big round porch 
on top, what they call the dome, all covered 
with gildin, so as you can see it glitterin 
more’an a dozen miles away. The inside’s 
made up of four, or five, little churches, 
with a lot of oil paintins strung long the 
walls, & littel nooks, & nitches, all round, 
for folks, what want to prey privat, to go 
into. Ma got tired, so she sat down in a 
sort of pugh, wile Pa went round to look 
at the paintins. I guess Pa maid a mash 
on a littel English gal, cos I saw ’em to¬ 
gether in a corner, so I got Ma to come up 



34 


The Bad Boy Abroad\ 


along to the highest gallary of the dome, 
and wile we was lookin down, we herd 
somebodie wisperin :— 

“ Don’t squeeze me so ’ard,” and then 
there was a smackin sound like them ac¬ 
tresses, in the Comique, makes, when the’re 
kissin a feller. Then a voice, what sound¬ 
ed jest like Pa’s, sed :— 

“ The old woman’s restin, over yonder, 
let’s go out honey, and bust a bottel of 
wine together.” 

I seen Ma was gettin kind a restless, 
cos she kep lookin round, like she was 
xpectin to see sombodie, & when no one 
did’n’t come in site, she sed :— 

“ Georgie ! was that not your father’s 
voice ? ” 

“You Bet,” says I. Then I told her 
bout the man tellin me, that the place, 
were we was, was called the Wisperin gal¬ 
lery, cos you culd hare, every word, what 
was sed down in the Church. Jest then 
there was a louder smack, & we hared Pa’s 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


35 


voice sayin, “ Let’s go darlin ’fore the 
old woman gets rested, & caches on to us.” 

You bet, Ma did’n’t let no turnip seed, 
grow under her feet, comin down them 
windin stairs. 

Wen we got to the Church door, we 
seen Pa, & the gal, goin into a private 
bottel & jug saloon, cross the street, so Ma 
& me fell in, as reer gard, & foilered. 
Wen we got in, we seen that gal sittin on 
Pa’s nees, they did’n’t tumbel to Ma till 
she was rite back of them, then the gal 
spied her, and run like litenin, and Ma slid 
into her place on Pas nee, fore he culd 
move, & called him her dare old hubby, & 
arst him for 2 5 pounds to get her a dress to 
ware at the cort recepshun. 

Pa’s in a norful good humer now, & I 
think he’s cured of taking up with strange 
wimmin, cos he aint got his dimond pin no 
more. 

Strange wimmin is like strange dogs, it 
dont do to be too familyur, cos you most 
allwus get bit Georgie. 



3 6 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


LETTER NO. IX. 

UNDERGROUND.—ROTTIN ROE.—THE ZOO.—MUNKEY- 
SHINES.—MORAL. 

Lundon. 

Dear Jim : 

We took the underground raleway, out 
to Hide Park. You have to go way down 
to the cellar of the Stashun, ’fore you get 
to the cars. Wen you get on ’em, you’d 
think, you was goin into a cole mine. It 
was orful dark & there warnt no lite, cos I 
guess the yung marreed cuppel put the 
lamp out. Wen we got purty well started, 
I lit a mach sorter suddin, & there was 
that cuppel sittin on each other’s nees, the 
man by the winder was changin his pants, 
Pa was kissin a old made longside of him, 
wot I guess he thot was Ma, the fat woman 
was feedin her babie, and Ma was tyin up 
her garters. I guess I orter told them I 
was goin to strike a mach, cos they’d had 



TJie Bad Boy Abroad . 


37 


time to get fixed up, and wuldnt have 
blushed so much. 

Hide Parks like our’n, only its bigger, 
and there’s a drive what’s called Rottin 
Roe, where all the Big Bugs, go to drive 
& ride. I arst an old gentleman, what 
was sittin neer us, why they called it Rottin 
Roe, cos I didn’t see nothin, what was 
rottin. He sed it was where all the nobil¬ 
ity, & gentry, of England, come for to air 
there rottiness, & wen I arst him if all 
those peepel, what was ridin was rottin he 
sed “ Yes, to the core.” I guess they must 
have used O-de-coloney, to hide it, cos I 
culdnt smell eny thing rottin about them. 

Wen we got thru Hide Park, we went 
over to the Zoologicle gardins. Golly! 
but there’s a lot of them Lions, Tigers, & 
grate big Wite polar bares. Girraffes, with 
necks, 20 ft long, what reech down over 
thru fences, & steel the birds outer wim- 
min bonnets. They’ve got a grate big 
Gorilla, what looks, jest like the picktur of 



38 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


Ben Butler, Guvner of Massa-chew-setts, 
on Sasparella’s Latest. Barnums managarie, 
cant shake a stick at the Zoo, with its 
L’phants, what they let me ride all round 
on, for a sixpense. The munkeys was the 
best of all, it was grate fun to see ’em 
skamper, & hop round, & fite, when I thru 
in the nuts to them. There was one mun- 
keyess, what did’n’t seem to care bout nuts, 
cos she looked like she’d been a delegate, 
to a female rite & dress reform conven- 
shun, & been ’lected to ware the briches, 
& didnt have none to ware. I alwus pitty 
a woman, what wants eny thing, so I blowd 
my knose on Pa’s silk hankercheef, what I 
borrered, &, sumhow, I held it close enuf 
for that munkeyess to snatch it, & she tide 
it round her legs, & begun a bossin them 
other munkeys, just like a woman does, 
wen she gets to waring the pants. 

Pa says there aint no originalty bout 
munkeys, cos they ape every thing. I thot 
I’d take a lessin in Naturale Historic, so I 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


39 


took out my jacknife, (what I give you 
the fly fish hook, that didnt have no point,) 
for, and maid b’leive I was cuttin my rist. 
I guess them munkeys used the sharp 
edge, cos there was a norful lot of blud 
round that cage. Munkeys, like men, have 
got to find out by xperience, that it don’t 
pay to fule with sharp edged tools. 

Your skollastic frend, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. X. 

ON THE TAMES.—HE WITNESSES THE LADEE DICK- 
SEE TRAGADEE.—AT THE CORT RECEPSHUN.—A 
BREECH OF EAT-A-CAT. 

London, Eng. 

Frend Jim —Pa & me took a sale down 
the Tames, on a steembote. I don’t like 
the botes here as well as our ’Merican 
botes cos there all painted black with, red 
smokestacks, what slide down, every time 
they come to a brige. The briges over 
here are most all made of stone. The 




40 The Bad Boy Abroad. 

water of the Tames is thicker than ’lasses 
in the Milwaukee grocery store, and jist 
bout as black. Pa says its only good for 
makin bear. We went way up the River, 
& got off the bote at Kew gardins. Pa 
sat down on a bench to reed the paper, and 
I took a walk round till I got to a kind of 
grove, & I seen a ladee comin along, with 
a grate big dorg. Purty soon she looked 
all round, but I guess she did’n’t see me, 
cos she took a nife out of her pocket, and 
begun a jabbin herself, rite on her corset, 
then she scrached her hand, a littel, till the 
blud come, and begun a hollerin & screem- 
in, & maid b’leive she was faintin but no- 
bodie didnt come, so she got up, & run, 
screemin all the way. She dropped her 
hankercheef & wen I picked it up, I seen 
in the corner of it, “ Ladee Florence Dick- 
see.” The papers today, says the perlice is 
on the trak of the assassins, & that the’re 
finians, but I guess them Irish finians, get 
blamed for more’an they do eny way. 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


4i 


We landed on the off side of Lundon 
Bridge, so as we’d have a chanse to walk 
cross it. Its like a mouse to a cat, ’long- 
side of the East River Bridge. 

Today we was down to Winsor Castel, 
to the Queens Levee. Ma had her cort 
dress made a purpose & Pa wore a bran 
new, spike tale cote, what stuck out, & 
maid him look like a bear barr’l on stilts. I 
rote on a big peace of paper, “ The Cleveland 
Millyunhair, not for sail,” & pinned it to 
Pa’s cote tale. There was a norful crowd, 
& the Queen was sittin on a thrown in the 
middel of the room. The folkes went in 
one dore, & kissed her hand, & then went 
out the other, wile a n’orderlee sojer, was 
singin out there names, so as she’d kno, 
wich was wich. 

When Pa & Ma’s turn come, they got 
down on there nees & done like the other 
folkes. Then I got before her mageistey, 
& took her hand, & give it a good shakin, 
& says :—“ Hullo ! Mrs. Victoria ! ” and 



42 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


she sed “ Hullo ! yourself my little man ! 
what’s your name ? ” I told her they called 
me Georgie, & she says “ Georgie ; I know 
how tis myself. Here’s some chink to buy 
candy, & chewin wax with.” Then she 
handed me a gold sovrin. 

I tell you, them other Lords, & Dukesses, 
what was lookin on, was quakin in there 
shoes, cos they sed I’d committed a breech 
of eat-a-cat. You bet, old Queen Vic’s, a 
boss woman, only she’s kep jest like a 
prisner, cos she has to do lots of things she 
dont warnt to jest cos its the fashun. 
Queens aint alwus what they seem enyhow 
are they, Jim. Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XI. 

THE CRISTAL PALASE.—FEEDIN CANNIBALLS.—HIS PA 
TAKES A LITENIN RIDE, & IS USED UP—MADAM 
l_ TWOSODS WAXWORK.—A NOTHER MASH BUSTED.— 
ALL WHAT’S GLITTERIN AINT ALWUS GOLD. 

Lundon, Eng. 

Dare Friend Jim : 

The Cristal Palase out at Sidneysham, is 
maid of glass & looks like a grate big 




The Bad Boy Abroad. 


43 


greenhouse. The inside’s fixed up purty. 
One place looks jest like a woods, and there 
is a lot of red injuns & Zulus runnin round 
loose. I arst Pa, if they’d growd there, & 
he sed the Englush sojers had cot ’em in 
the war, & they’d been used to eaten men, 
& wimmin, in there own country. 

Theres a big balloon, what goes up every 
day, & you can look thru the place, where 
the gass goes in, & see a lot of pigs fitin. 
Pa, & Ma, stopped to listen to the musick 
what the big orgain was play in, so I went 
back to where the injuns was, & I seen a 
babey buggy with the nurse talkin to a 
sojer, so I took the babee & give it to one 
of them Zulus, to see if he’d eat it, but he 
did’n’t get no time, cos, that durn babee 
begun a cryin, & the sojer seen it, & took 
it from him. Babees never kno enuf, to 
keep there mouths shut, wen a feller wants 
to see ’em get eat up by a canniball. 

Pa got orful mad, after he’d showd me 
how he used to ride a flyin horse wen he 



44 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


was a boy. I guess I misunderstood Pa, 
wen he told the man to “ Go slower you 
dumb fule, d’ye s’pose I’m a litenin corn- 
ductor?” cos I told him Pa warnted to go 
like litenin. Wen he maid them go farster, 
the horses runned away, & thru Pa bout 
20 feet, in a summersett, like he’d been 
kicked by a Arkansaw muel. He would’nt 
stay to see the fireworks, cos he sed he’d 
seen stars enuf, for one day. 

Ma wos tired in the evenin, so Pa & me 
went to see Madam Two-sods wax wurks. 
Its splended over there, they’ve got figgers 
of most everybody, what you reed about, 
all dressed up in there reg’lar does. 

Pa’s a littel neer sited, so I told him 
there was a purty gal becknin for him to 
come over, so he says :— 

“ Don’t let on, Georgie, that you’ve got 
a mother livin, & I’ll have sum fun with 
her,” so he went over to the gal & took off 
his hat and sed :— 

“ How d’y’e do ? I b’leive I’ve had the 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


45 


plessure of meetin you before,” & I maid 
b’leive she was talkin & sed. 


“Why I’m delited to see you over here,” 



“how d’y’e do? i b’leive I’VE had the plessure of 

MEETIN YOU BEFORE.” 


& then Pa got talkin orful sweet & put his 
arm round the place where wimmin keep 
there corsits, & maid arrangements to take 
her home at 11 ’clock, and she was to 




















46 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


beckin to him wen she was reddy, cos she 
didn’t warnt her other feller to see her go- 
in out with Pa. Pa was tickeled all over, 
& took me into the Chambers of Horrors, 
where they’ve got all the grate murderers, 
& the folks what they murdered. There’s 
one old man shut up in a iron cage, what 
was a prisner, and the rats is climin thru 
his bred on the tabel & all over him. 
There’s a woman what had her hed cut off, 
you can see the blud, spurtin all over her 
does. Wen n o’clock come everybodie 
had gone home & Pa kep lookin at his 
watch & askin me if the gal was becknin 
to him, but she did’n’t becknin wurth a 
cent, & at 12 o’clock the keeper come 
round & arst Pa what he was stayin for. 
Pa sed he was waitin for his wife over yon¬ 
der to get reddy, & wen Pa pinted her out 
the keeper laffed and sed. “ You-bloomin- 
blarsted-bald-heded-old-rake, thats only the 
figger of Mrs. Scott Siddons.” 

I guess Pa sorter suspected me, but he 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


47 


did’n’t say nothin, cos he’s frade I’d tell ma 
bout his gettin me to say I didnt have no 
mother. 

Pa’s old enuf to kno enyway that, 
“Whats glitterin ain’t alvvus gold, or 
wheres there’s a petticote there aint alwus 
a woman in it.” 

Yours truly, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XII. 

VISIT TO THE ROY-HELL ’CADAMY.—HIS PA AS A N’ART 
CRITIQUE.—THE ANTIQUATY OF JURSEY CITIE.— 
HIS OPINYUN OF THE ENGLISH. 

Lundon, Eng. 

Dare Jim : 

Pa’s got quite a reputashun, as a n’art 
critique, in Cleveland, & there’s a lot of 
Cook’s ’Merican torewrists, stayin at our 
Hotel, so we all went over to the Roy-hell 
’Cademy, to see the paintins whats on 
xhibition. Pa was jest throwin it on, 




48 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


tellin them how this pictur was a norful 
dob, & the other one was splendid. I 
wispered to him that there was one of 
Michael Les Angel’s, over in the corner, 
and wen they all got round to it, Pa got to 
tellin ’em, that it was one of the old mars- 
ters, & over 600 years old, & in a splendid 
state of preservashun. He sed he’d offered 
$20,000 for it, but it culd’n’t be bort, for 
ten times that much. The paintin was boss, 
enyhow, it was a brick house, with 4 news¬ 
boys in front of it, dancin & lookin round 
to a sine what sed, “ P. T. Barnum, I’m a 
Comin, The gratest Show on earth, Jursey 
City June 12th.” One of the ladees no¬ 
ticed the sine, & warnted to kno wether 
Michael Les Angel, ment the Jursey Citie, 
what’s got a Merican Consul, & wither 
Barnum was as old as jumbo. 

I guess Pa aint got no reputashun, eny 
more, as a n’art critique, cos I hearn one 
of the party say he was a durn’d old liar, 
cos it run in his familee. 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


49 


We went to see the Britush Museam, & 
the Tower of Lundon, with its beef eatin 
keepers, what they feed on beef so as to 
give ’em blu blud enuf, to associate with 
crown juells. 

I’ll draw a vale over the Tower of Lun¬ 
don, cos, if I’d tell what I seen, I mite 
hurt the feelins of sum of the descend¬ 
ants, of the old fellers, what done a lot of 
murderin there. 

We’re goin to leeve England tonite, so 
I’ll tell you what I think of the Englush, 
before we go cos I mite forget it. 

There’s bout a dozen classes of peepel 
in England, the highest is the reel gentrie, 
what are first class, & spend lots of munny 
& would jest as soon help a beggar gal 
’cross a muddee street, as they would a 
hairess. 

Then there’s the fellers what has glasses 
and dresses like the dude that stands in 
front of the Weddel House. They aint 
got no ratin yet but there likely to come 
in second. 



5 ° 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


Next is the folkes who’s Pa’s maid mun- 
ney makin charcole, the’re too big for there 
breeches, and too little for the dudes or 
the gentries, cos they look down on every- 
bodie below ’em, & would kiss the ground 
what the folkes abov them walked on. 
The’re the “ shoddie ” aristocrazee. The 
tradespeepel come next. Then the mer¬ 
chants what you’ve got to call master. 
There alwus grindin the life out of poor 
wurkin gals, & lookin for a chance to play 
toad to the nobility, so as they can get a 
painter to put up a sine “ Under the pat¬ 
ronage of their Roy-hell Hynesses the 
Prince & Princess of Whales. Then there’s 
the wurkin peepel, there all rite only there 
alwus blowin bout the Britush Lion, just 
as if George Washinton didnt snach it 
bald-hedded. 

The Irish is all looked down on in En¬ 
gland, but you bet there only waitin for a 
chanse to get ’cross to ’Merica & have a 
prize fite, or get ’lected Alderman, or Clerk 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


5i 


of the Brooklin bord of public wurks, so as 
to make a stake & be millyunhairs, & take 
subscripshuns for Dannymight to blow up 
England with. 

Ever your Frend, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XIII. 

CROSSIN THE CHANNELL.—IN LUV.—THE ’LOPEMENT. 
—ON THE BUSUM OF THE DEEP BLU SEE.—RES¬ 
CUE.—ALL RITE AGAIN. 

Grand Hotel, der Paree. 

Mon chair Amy Jimmy : 

We got abord the steembote, what was 
to take us cross the English Channell to 
Havher. The wind was rite ahed, & the 
waves come up like they was play in “ so 
far & yet so near.” Jest wen the bote was 
gettin settelled, the water’d send her pichin 
the other way, makin a feller feel like his 
supper was up in his throte one minnit & 





52 The Bad Boy Abroad. 

the next like it had gone down to his 
butes. I guess the passingers in joyed it, 
cos most all of ’em, was sayin, Oh ! & 
then makin a noise like they was tryin to 
say “chew it,” but I guess they culdnt 
chew it cos it wuldnt stay in there mouth 
long enuf. 

Pa harnissed up his bile-house-ness with 
a bottel of brandee & soda, ’fore he started, 
& he was feelin like he didnt care wether 
the steemer was bottom up or on her beem 
ends. 

Thare was a gal ’bout my size abord, what 
was cryin orful. I arst her what was the 
matter & she sed her name was Seeleste, & 
she was a n’orphan, cos her Ma & Pa was 
ded & her gardine was taken her over to a 
French Cemetery to skule. She sed she 
thot it was reel meen cos when her Ma was 
livin, she’d alwus been at home. 

She was orful purty & wen I got my 
arm round her waste, I couldnt help kissin 
her. Then I felt my heart jumpin up in 



The Bad Boy Abroad ' 


53 


my throte & I knowed I was gettin in luv. 
I warnt backward in telling her so and 
arstin her to elope with me & we’d get 
marreed. She sed she was ’greed, only she 
was frade she’d have to stay at bordin skule 
till she was of age. We was sittin rite 
neer the sturn end of the bote, and I seen 
a skiff trailin ’longside, so I went down 
b’low & got Pa’s lunch sachel, & wen no 
one was lookin, we jumped into the skiff & 
I cut the rope. The steemer shot ahed, 
leevin me & Seeleste alone on the bussum 
of the deep blu see, without no ores nor 
enything. I was kind of scart, till I seen 
Seeleste cryin, then I felt like I was a man 
& tole her we’d be picked up all rite, or 
float to some desert ileland & live like 
Robson Cruso. After a wile we eat a 
lunch & laid down & went to sleep kissin 
each other. 

Wen we woke up it was daylite, & a 
grate big ship was most ’longside our skiff. 
Wen they seen us they lowered a bote & 



54 


The Bad Boy Abroad ,. 


took us abord. She was a French man-a- 
war goin to Shuburg. I tole the Captin, 
how we’d run away to get marreed, cos 
they was goin to send Seeleste to Bordin 
skule. The salers & offcers maid a norful 
fuss over us, but wen we got to Shuburg, 
the ’Merican consul sent a man to take us 
to Paree, cos Pa & Seleestes gardine had 
telegraffed all over the country to keep a 
look out for us. Wen we got to Paree, 
the man took us to the Grand Hotel where 
Ma & Pa was stoppin. I xpected to get a 
lickin, but they was all too glad to see 
there good little boy back again alive. 

We didnt get marreed, but the bordin 
skule keeper at Coloney, is out one gal 
skollar, cos Seeleste gardine’s goin to get 
her a govness at home, & wen she’s got 
edicated, were goin to get marreed, if I 
don’t see eny girl I like better ’fore then. 
I’ve got her pictur & I’m alwus goin to 
keep it in my pistil pocket cos she’s goin 




The Bad Boy Abroad ’ 55 

to do the same with the one I gave her 
of me. 

Yours in Luv, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XIV. 

A TABLE DO’IT AT THE HOTEL DER LA GRAND.— 
STUFFIN.—AT THE MABEEL GARDINS. 

Grand Hotel, Paree. 

Chair Jim : 

The Grand Hotel is a norful fashunabel 
place, where you get brakefast at 11 oclock, 
& dont get no dinner till six, & then its 
what they call Table Do’it. I guess they 
all do it, cos theres about ten corses. Fore 
you set down the Garsong gives you a glass 
of Vurmoutes, so as you’ll have a founda- 
shun for whats comin. Then they bring 
on Soup der Bully, & sherry wine, what 
youve got to drink ’fore they’ll give you 
eny “ salmon buddin ” or “ pisces avec sau- 
cey ” with Shablee wine to wash the bones 




56 


The Bad Boy Abroad . 


down your throte. Wen you’ve swallered 
that, you’re s’posed to eat some “swimmin 
duckies,” or “ pullits a lar Cameel,” & drink 
half a pint of “Vander Sourturn.” Then 
comes the “ Bueff a lah Maud ” and 
“Mootong avec ler peed,” with a hole bot- 
tel of clarret wine. The puddins & pies, 
with long names, and coniac brandie, have 
got to be wurried down, ’fore the ice creme, 
what the garsong galls glass, is put on the 
tabel, & its eat-a-cat to drink a cuppel of 
tumblers of shampain, so as the ice creme 
wont chill your stummick. Then comes 
the Caffay-oh-lay & cigars, & just wen you 
think you’re thru, the garsong makes you 
take a tiny glass of lickher, what they call 
“ Mary-skin-her ” or cure-a-cow. My sun- 
day skule Teecher used to tell me, I never 
ort to eat so much, that I felt like I was 
bustin, I guess that’s the reeson, why they 
call dinner Tabel Do’it, cos you most al- 
wus do that. 

Pa says the munney he spent learnin me 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


57 


French, was throwd away. I guess Pa’s 
mad, cos I did’nt let him make a hog of 
himself. He was ’shamed to let on he 
culd’n’t Polly Fransay, so he let me order 
his dinner for him. I managed to let him 
have six corses of “ Pomme der tears souf- 
flay,” “carrats a lar Parisien,” and a variety 
of other vegatabels. Then Pa got mad & 
warnted to kno if they took him for a 
vegatarian, & the garsongs sed, “We, We." 
You bet Pa hid some of that wine where 
they’d never see it again. 

After dinner we went to the Jardin Ma- 
bell, what everybodie talks about. My 
Gosh ! but its fixed up nice! you’d think 
you was goin up a walk a mile long when 
you go in ; but its only the lookin glasses 
strung round the walls, what makes it look 
like that. There’s trees & flowers all round 
& in the middel there’s a chinee pagoda, 
with a dancin platform all round it, & a lot 
of ’Merican bars, where you can get mint 
julips & Brandie smashins. In the Pagoda 



58 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


there’s a brass band of more’an a hundred 
peeces. Wen the musick begins, a lot of 
men, with plug hats, pick out there part¬ 
ners & form in setts for a quadrille, & when 
the band goes fast then the fun begins. 
The gals try to kick the hats offen there 
partner’s heds, so as to give the folkes a 
chanse to see the latest stiles in laces & 
’broderie and silk stockins. 

The ’Merican methodist minister, whats 
stayin at our hotel, put his hands cross his 
eyes, & told Pa that the wimmin of Paree 
was drful immaudest. But if he did’n’t 
like it I don’t see what he was lookin 
through his fingers for. Pa says the Ma- 
bell dancin is only a advanced form, of 
our Racket. I guess he liked it cos one of 
them kicked her toes so high that Pa’s hat 
went flyin off his hed, & the place where 
his hare used to growr blushed orful. Wen 
he thot I was asleep last nite, I seen him 
tryin to teach Ma the Kan-Kan & tellin 
all bout the latest stiles. 

Jay Swee, Le voter, 


Georgie. 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


59 


LETTER NO. XV. 

CLEOPATRA’S NEEDEL.—PALACE DER LAH LUVHER.— 
IN THE SALON.—BUTY UNDONE IS DONE THE 
MOSTMADELINS CHURCH—A SACRED RELIC.— 
STARTLING HYROGLIFFICS. 

Grand Hotel, Paree. 

Chair Jim : 

We took a coop this mornin, & druv 
round seein the sites, the first place we 
struck was, the Plaice der lah Congcorde, 
where they’ve got one of the needels, what 
Mrs. Cleopatra, used wen she was learnin to 
sew ’fore she was maid a Queen, & fell in 
luv, with old Mark Antony. Pa says 
there’s a nother one of her needels in Cen- 
trel Park, New York. She must hav run 
this one in her thum, cos the point’s, broke 
off. I guess her hand was ’bout as big as 
a Saint Lewis gals, cos the needels more’an 
70 feet high. There’s some nice fountins 
neer the needel only them wimmin’s what’s 



6o 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


spoutin the water outer there mouths for¬ 
got to put on there bathin sutes, fore they 
went there. Pa says the Plaice der lah 
Congcorde is where they used to cut off 
peepel’s heds with the “ gullettine,’’ during 
the Revolushun. I hunted round for a 
skull so as we could play gost, wen I got 
home, but I culdnt find none, I guess they 
was all burried. 

The Gardins of the Luvher is rite neer 
the Plaice Congcorde. There splendid only 
the keepers is orful mene, cos they was go- 
in to arrest me jest for pickin a bokay to 
give to Seelest ’fore she started back to 
England. I guess they’d lock me up, if Pa 
had’n’t given them 5 franks to make it rite. 

Theres a big porch what youve got to go 
thru to get to the Palase der lah Luvher, & 
inside there’s a cort, what’s got a n’arch 
bilt of red marbel, with a band wagon on 
top of it, like Barnum’s got in his show, & 
there’s six big brass horses haulin it. The 
inside of the Luvher is fixed up splendid, 



The Bad Boy Abroad . 61 

where the Emprers & Empresses used to 
live. 

The gallary where they keep the paintins 
is boss. We could’n’t hardly get Pa away, 
cos the wimmin didnt ware no dresses wen 
they was sittin for there portrates. Pa 
says “ Buty undone is done the most.” 
Ma says he’s a honorary old fule & orter 
be ashamed of hisself settin a bad xampel 
’for his son Georgie. 

From the Luvher we druv to Madelin’s 
Church. Madelin must have seen a ’Meri- 
can country skule house, cos shes got her 
church bilt the same shape only its of mar- 
bel, & the roofs set on top of a lot of pil- 
lers. Theyve got littel boy & girl angles, 
with wings, strung all round the sides. I’d 
like to be a n’angle, but I don’t warnt no 
stashun in a compenny what has to gard 
a Church, I’d sooner take mine, on the 
ceilin of a n’Opra House so as I could see 
the stars. Madelin must had lots of mun- 
ney cos she’s got the alters fixed up splen¬ 
did with gold & silver. 



6 2 


The Bad Boy Abroad, 


Jest wen we was goin out, a man 
with a long black gownd on, wispered to 
Pa, that if he’d give him 20 franks, he’d 



A MAN WITH A LONG BLACK GOWND ON, WISPERED TO PA. 


get him one of the genwine nales what wos 
in the cross at Calvary. Pa give him the 
munney & got the nale. It was orful rusty, 
so wen we got into the coop to go to the 


















The Bad Boy Abroad. 


63 


Hotel, I scratched the rust off the hed & I 
seen the letters 

“ O. Bros. & P. 

Pgh, 

Pa.” 

so I arst Pa what they stood for, he sed 
they must be sum anshunt hyrogliffics, but 
Ma thinks they stand for the name of a big 
nale factory in Pittsburgh. I guess Ma’s 
rite, only I don’t b’leive Pittsburgh is 1800 
years old, even if Lillie Lankey did say its 
stretes had’n’t ben washed since Noah’s 
flud. That feller must have swindeled Pa, 
but he’ll get his 20 franks wurth of fun 
passin it off as genwine on our minister & 
the brethern at home. Pa’s goin to a grand 
Mask Ball at the Opra House to-nite. 

Yours trulee, 

Georgie. 



6 4 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


LETTER NO. XVI. 

AT THE MASQUE BALL.—FALSESTAFF & VENUS.—DE- 
NOWEMENT. 

Grand Hotel, Paree. 

Dare Jim : 

I’m all brok up to-day, cos I’ve been up 
all nite. I guess I’ll have to begin at the 
beginnin, to tell you all bout the Masque 
Ball. Pa, he warnted to danse, so wen Ma 
sed he could, he went to the feller what 
hires out dresses, & got one b’longin to 
Falsestaff, cos the man sed it would best 
sute the roetund curves of Pa’s stomick, 
than any other carackter. Pa looked orful 
funny with a masque over his face. He 
got into a coop & druv to the New Grand 
Opra House where the ball was leavin Ma 
& me to go alone. 

Its a norful large buildin all decorated 
with gold & statutes of wimmin & men 
naked. Inside the flures is marbel & the 




The Bad Boy Abroad. 65 

walls is covered with velvit a lot of nice 
paintins. The place whats called the or- 
chester in 'Merica had a floor laid over 
the seets, & the band was on the staige. 
The peepels what was’n’t drest up fancy 
had to stay in the Gallaries & boxes. 
You'd dide to seen the difrent dresses they 
had on some of them was red injuns, Zulus, 
briggands, salers, and old kings what was 
ded. Wile the wimmin reprisented, flour 
gals, paysants, Turkyesses, & ballet girls, 
with the skirts of there dresses comin down 
bout 6 inches blow there wastes. Most all 
of em wos drest like they warnted to show 
off there stockins, & garters way up 'bove 
there nees. There was one ladie reprisent- 
in Venus gettin reddy for a bath, what had 
a paige tendin her to hold her close while 
she was in swimmin. Soon as Pa seen her, 
he 'peared to take a fancie to her, cos she 
was orful stoute & Pa likes stout wimmin 
enyway. Venus got to flirtin with Pa & 
soon as he found out she spoke English & 
5 



66 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


was stoppin at our hotel, they got to drink- 
in shampane and dansin together & mak¬ 
ing love only she would’n’t let Pa look un¬ 
der her masque. 

I never seen Pa so ’tentive to a woman 
before; Every chanse he’d get he’d slip his 
arm round her waste & squeeze it, & Ve¬ 
nus did’n’t ’pear to mind it a tall, cos they 
dansed and maid luv to one another ’till bout 
4 ’clock in the mornin, then she sed she was 
gettin tired, & Pa arst her to let him get a 
coop, and driv her home, she was ’greed 
only her paige would have to go long, so 
they all got into a carrage, Venus sed she 
was hungry so Pa took ’em to the Caffay 
Biche where they got a private supper 
room & had a splendid supper. 

There was a elegant fan on the mantel 
what Venus was wishin she had, so Pa arst 
the garsong how much it was. He sed 
he’d sell it for 200 franks, so Pa greed to 
buy it for her if Venus would lift up her 
masque. When the garsong went out 




The Bad Boy Abroad. 


67 


Venus was sittin on Pas nees & he was 
huggin her. Then she lifted up her 
masque, & Pa seen it was Ma & me. He 
’peared to be tickled all over & tride to 
make Ma b’leive he knowd it was her all 
dong. He says she looks splendid as 
Venus gettin reddy for a bath, and he 
never knowd she had such a purty form 
before. 

Ma’s purty sharp, she says if Pa’s goin 
to make luv & squeeze eny woman its goin 
to be his wife, even if she does have to 
dress a trifle “ deccollay.” 

Y ours, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XVII. 

AT THE RACES IN THE BOYS-DE-BOLOGNA.—A NEW 
SKEEM.—THRU PAREE LIKE LITENIN.—HE MAKES 
A SENSASHUN. 

Grand Hotel, Paree. 

Frend Jim : 

We druv out the Shamp Elisee, passin 
the big arch of the Tree-omph, what has 




68 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


got a lot of picturs of sojers leavin home to 
go out to fite with Napoleon, till we got 
out to the Boys de Bologna, where there 
was a horse race goin on. Pa’s orful fond 
of horse racin, but the horse what he bets 
on, most alwus has a cold or the Rhumatiz, 
and comes in b’hind. There was a lot of 
xcitement, & we got seets on the grand 
stand. Pa bet on a little black maire, he was 
the ony one what bet on her cos most 
everyone knew shewarnt no good, enyway 
she come in way behind on the first heet. 
Wile they was rubbin them down I got 
out on the track & slipped a jaggin thistel 
under the black maires saddel, then I went 
& tole Pa that one of them jockies sed the 
little black maire was goin to win too strate 
heets & he bort 5 thousand frank wurth of 
pools orful cheap. Wen the jockey got 
on the saddel he couldn’t hardly keep that 
maire from, runnin but when they started 
the race you orter seen the little black 
maire goin, she come in fore the others had 




The Bad Boy Abroad. 


69 


got half way round, like she was shot 
outer a cannon. The next heet she went 
faster than litenin & when she come in 
under the wire, they had to lift the jockey 
outer the saddel cos he did’n’t have no 
wind left. Pa maid 200 thousand franks & 
then he got to blowin round bout bein a 
judge of horseflesh, but I guess he did’n’t 
kno as much about a race horse as that 
jagger did. 

After the race we went over to where 
they have the animiles. Its jest like the 
Zoo in London so I wont describe it. 

They’ve got orstriches harnessed up to 
little wagons, Pa hired one for me & I was 
goin long splendid till I seen a gal drivin a 
team of gotes so I thot I’d have a race. 
Wen she seen I was gettin ahed of her 
she got mad & begun lickin my teem. I 
guess orstriches aint used to the whip cos 
mine kicked up his legs & smashed the 
wagon to splinters. I warnt goin to be beet 
outer my ride so I jumped on his back, I 



70 


The Bad Boy Abroad, 


guess he had’n’t been used as a saddel 
orstrich, cos the first thing I knew he was 
goin thru the streets of Paree fike litenin, 
I was clingin to his neck for deer life the 
peepel was hollerin & runnin outer our way 
like we was a fire engun goin to a fire. I 
seen purty neer all Paree. We must have 
been goin a mile a minnet, when my or¬ 
strich took a notion to tend vespers in the 
Church of Notre Dame. 

You orter seen the peepel run & sing 
out Le Dablow what meens “ the Devil ” 
wen we come in. I was goin to laff ony I 
didnt get no time cos my orstrich stopped 
sort of short to munch a green cushun in a 
pue what he thot was grass, & I was in- 
spectin the ceilin of Notre Dame till I 
come down cross the knees of the gals 
what was singin in the quire. I’m ritin 
this standin up, cos I aint well. It warnt 
Pa or Ma what did it, nor it warnt them 
gals what had me cross there knees, that 
make me feel like a hole roof of shingels 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


7i 


had been patterin ’gainst where I sit down, 
you bet next time I ride a n’orstrich I’ll sit 
on a fether pillar. The papers is full of 
my ride & Sarah Burnhard sung a song 
bout me last nite. I guess if Sarah was 
me now she’d Burn-hard too, dont you 
think so Jim. 

Yours, a little tired, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XVIII. 

AT THE INVALIDES.—HE GETS HOISTED.—HARTREND- 
IN SITUASHUN,—THE ESCAPE. 


Paree, Franse. 

Dare Jim : 

We went to see the Hotel of the Inval¬ 
ids today. Its called a hotel, but its only 
a big home for old sojers. Its got a fear¬ 
ful big dome, covered with gold what you 
can see all over Paree. Inside under the 
dome is the place where Napoleon Bona¬ 
parte is berried. It dont look like a ber- 




72 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


ryin ground cos the floor’s all lade in dif¬ 
ferent colered marbel & theres a lot of 
blocks with names on like Marengo theres 
the battels what Nap fort when he was 
livin ’fore the English sent him to St. Hel¬ 
ena’s Ileland & starved him to death. In 
the middle of the room is a grate big Poor- 
fryin Sarcougheggus the latin name for a 
tombstone, what is maid of a lot of differ¬ 
ent colered marbels, it looks like a big bed 
only it aint got no legs. There’s a lot of 
letters cut out on it but I could’n’t read 
em. Napoleon was a norful brave man 
when he was livin, & now that he’s ded 
there takin good care the body snatchers 
wont git him cos theres every so menny 
tons of marbel on top of him. Rite back 

of the P--, S-, is the Chappel 

where they keep all the flags whats been 
capterred by the French Armies, some of 
em looks jest like your Ma’s rapper what 
she wares on wash days, with slits and 
stanes all over it. The sojers over here & 





The Bad Boy Abroad. 


73 


in England ware orful pretty does, only 
the Scotch Hilanders, what are queen Vic¬ 
torias favorite & she makes them ware 
wimmins skirts what dont come down to 
there knees. 

All the old sojers of France what cant 
do no more fitin is sent to the Invalides 
where the govment feeds ’em & keeps them 
in terbaccy. Theres a big court & P’rade 
ground in front where the sojers sit round. 
Theres bout a hundred cannons strung 
round a norful high flag staf where they 
hoist the French colers every day. Pa & 
Ma was listenin to an old sojers tellin bout 
how he was with Napoleon on the Pnin- 
shula, & when they warn’t lookin I went 
over to the flag staff to see how it worked 
the wind was blowin orful hard and just as 
soon as I undid the rope the flag blew off 
& hoisted me up to the top of the pole. I 
was orful scared but I didnt say nothin, 
but clung on ter the pole like I was a 
wethercock. A norful big crowd got col- 




74 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


lected round expectin to see me fall down 
at there feet a mass of shapeless humanaty, 
but I did’n’t fall wurth a cent. They tride 
all the ladders they could get, then they 
got the Fire Department out with there 
Fire ’Scapes, but they could’n’t reach me. 
Then they sent out to the circus and got a 
n’ingun what had been used to firin bows 
& arrows, with strings on them to try to 
strike the flag so as to get it down. When 
there was bout 10,000 peepel & a compeny 
of perlice lookin on, & they’d bout give up 
gettin & thot I was goin to die before 
their eyes, I begun to get hungry & re¬ 
membered how you & me used to shin up 
telegraph poles, so I just got my legs & 
arms round the pole & come slidin down, 
jest like it was the easyest thing in the 
world. It was a site to see all them peepel 
clap there hands & sing out Brave-oh, & 
take the horses outer the carriage & draw 
Ma & Pa & me home to our hotel, like I 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


75 


was a grate general comin home for the 
army. 

Your onhered frend, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XIX. 

UP IN A BALLOON.—THE RED FLAG.—ARRESTED AS 
REVOLUTIONISTS.—THE G. B. 

Paree, Franse. 

My dare old chum : 

This mornin we went over to the gardins 
of the Palase Royhell to see the balloon go 
up. They’d jest got filled up wen we got 
there & had the rope let go wen one of 
them fellers in the basket sung out “ hold 
on,” so I grabbed hold of the rope & fore 
I could let go I was sailin way up in the 
air, you bet I was scart, but I held on til 
the fellers seen me & histed me up into 
the basket. When they arst me how I 
come there I told em they sed to hold on, 
& I’d, held on. Enyway I had a good 




76 


The Bad Boy Abroad . 


vue of Paree, and b’sides it was wurth 
sumthin to get a ride in a b’loon, we was 



FORE I COULD LET GO I WAS SAILIN WAY UP IN THE AIR.’ 


sailin round the air bout two hours fore we 
come doun. 






















The Bad Boy Abroad. 


77 


Pa & Ma went to a recepshun at the 
Merican ministers house this afternoon. 
Today was a holy day in Paree & the flags 
was flyin all over the city, so I went up to 
our room in the Hotel & got one of Pas 
red flannin shirts what he wares when he’s 
got the roomatiz & tide it to a fish pole & 
hung it out the winder so as to be in stile. 
Then I went doun to the Bullvard to see 
the wimmin jump when they stepped on the 
torpedos I’d put on the walk. I had lots 
of fun, & when I got back to the Hotel Pa 
& Ma jest got home, and there was a rege- 
ment of sojers in the strete. & bout twen¬ 
ty “ Johnderarms ” come up to our room, 
& scorted Pa & Ma & me to the Commis¬ 
sary of the Perlice in a carrage. I felt or- 
ful big cos they honered us with so menny 
sojers, but when we got there I found out 
we’d ben ’rested for bein revolutionists & 
Commonists. Pa sent for the ’Merican 
minster & when he come & arst what we’d 
ben ’rested for, they told him it was fur 



78 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


flyin reverlutionery colers outer our win¬ 
der. Then I remembered the flag what I 
put out & told them I put it there so as to 
onher the French 4th of July & they was 
meen to rest us jest cos a good little boy what 
was tryin to gloryfie the country what he 
was onherin with his prescenc. When the 
chief of perlice recognized me as the boy 
what rid the orstrich, & got hoisted on the 
flagstaff, he laffed & told Pa he’d release us 
if he’d take me ’way from Paree tonite, cos 
he was frade if I stayd eny longer I’d brake 
up the city. I’m orful sorry cos we aint 
been all round yet, Pa says I’m alwus 
bringin disgrace on him, he don’t like the 
ideur of bein bounced, outer a city. IJ I’d 
money & the perlice’d let me I’d live in 
Paree rite along cos there’s lots of fun & 
the wimmin is orful stylish & lively. Were 
goin to Marsails tonite, Pa intended to 
take in the Coranatshun of the Zar at 
Mosecow, but he’s changed his mind cos I 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


79 


guess he’s frade of “ Danny-mite ” and 
“ Nigh-hell-ists.” 

By By Jimmy. 

Your Frend, 
Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XX. 

THE JURNEY TO MARSALES.—A TRIP ROUND TOWN.—* 
AT THE OPRA.—A SUSPICIOUS PERFUME.—A SKEEM. 

MARSALES. 

Dare Frend : 

We left Paree in the middel of the nite 
so we didn’t get a chance to see nothin till 
mornin. They didnt have no sleepin car 
on our trane but the partment what we 
had was fixed up splendid so I slept alrite 
till mornin. Pa says that Bayard Taylore 
the grate ’Merican Traveller what’s ded, 
used to say that nobody but Princes, 
’Mericans, & fules, was the only ones what 
travelled ist class in Yourope, so all the 
other passingers on our car was fules cos 




8o 


The Bad Boy A broad. 


they warnt ’Mericans, & if theyd been 
Princes, they wouldnt of worn dresses cos 
Princes b’long to the 3rd person of the 
maskiline gender, They ’peared to be 
harmless sort of fules and acted like eny 
other wimmin only they smoked cigarettes, 
& did’n’t object to Pa & me smokin cigars 
in there presents. 

I like the French wimmin cos there so 
“ shut ” what is the new word for “ chic,” 
one of em in our ’partment didnt ’pear to 
care a cent, wen I got tired and used her 
lap as a pillar, & left a grate biggrese spot 
on her blu silk dress what come off the oil 
on my hare. 

I tole them I was orful sorry they was 
fules & they laffed and sed Bayard Taylor 
alwus xcepted present company. We 
passed thru Avinyun where the folkes 
used to go to kiss the popes toes when 
they was xpelled from Rome. We seen 
lots of vinyards & orchards where they 
grow the rottin appels they make the 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


81 


shampain outer, what they send to ’Merica, 
cos there fules enuf to pay 5 dollars a 
bottel for. We had sumthin to eat at 
Lions, the place where they make the silk 
what wimmins dresses are maid of. 

Theres lots of ruins of old castels on 
hills strung long the Ralerode, but there 
wasn’t enythingelse to see. When we got 
here we druv down to the hotel. Marsales 
is rite on the banks of the Me-did-it-rain-on 
See & is the place where all the vessels 
what go to India leeve from. The docks 
are orful big, we took a walk ’long em & 
seen the sojers puttin horses in slings & 
histin them inter the hole of a Man a war 
whats goin to fite the Chinee in Tonkin. 
If them horses was arkandsaw muels you 
bet they’d perlitely introduce their heels to 
them sojers, fore they’d get histed. I had 
my fishin line along so I tride my luck but 
I guess there aint no fish in the Mediditer- 
ainon, cos I didnt get a bite. 

We went to the theater last nite. There 
6 



82 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


was a norful big crowd cos it was a n’ltal- 
yun Opra, every bodie was drest up fansy, 
but it ’peared like the theater was’nt half 
ventilated cos there was a norful smell like 
there was morean a dozen polecats brok 
loose. The peepel could’n’t stand it, & 
they got ter goin out one by one till there 
warnt nobodie left but Pa & Ma & me. 
Pa’s got the guitar & Ma had a cold in her 
hed so as she couldnt smell a thing but I 
was most suffercated when we got inter 
our carriage the pole cat ’peared to go long, 
but soon as we got to the hotel then the 
fun begun everybody was holdin there 
noses & callin out to “ give him air.” I 
didnt kno who they was meenin till a 
coupel of garsong led me out in the strete 
& xamined me, but they didnt find nothin 
but the peaces of the bottel of assafeeditee 
what I put on my bate when I was fishin, 
I guess I must a smashed it wen I sat on 
the tale of my cote, I had to wash & 
put on a not her sute, in the yard of the 




The Bad Boy Abroad. 


83 


Hotel, cos I give my other one to a boy 
what peddels papers, & I guess he’s lade 
the foundashun of a fortune today, cos 
everybody’s buyin papers soas he wont 
stay neer em too long. 

So long, Jim, 

Your own frend, 

Georgie, 


LETTER NO. XXI. 

AT TWOLOU.—TARGAT PRACTIS.—THE GALLEY SLAVES. 
—THE ESCAPE.—MORFEEN & SHAMPAIN. 

| 

TWOLOU, Franse, 

Dare Jim : 

I didnt ’njoy the balence of our stay in 
Marseilles cos mos’t everybodie thot it 
warnt safe to get too close to me, so I was 
glad wen we come down here. Twolou’s 
the place where they make the big iron 
men-a-war, what they do the fitin with. 
We went to the Navy Yard & seen them 
testin a big gun tryin to see how far it 




84 The Bad Boy Abroad. 

would carry. I guess the bullet went way 
out to see cos you culdnt see it drop eny- 
where. There was a ladee what had a little 
black & tan dog & when no one was lookin, 

I slipped it in the nozzle of the gun jest 
fore they tride to see how much powder 
would bust it. We all had to go way so 
as we wuldnt get hurt & jest wen the 
ladee missed her dorg the gun went off & 
we all seen a animile shootin thru the air 
like it was a bird. I guess the dor’gs all 
rite if she learnt it to swim cos it must of 
dropped in the water purty close to Africa 
whats on the other side of the Me-did-it- 
rain-on See. 

I’d been reedin bout how they trete the 
Gallee Slaves, what are sent here. So I 
was glad when Pa & the ’Merican council 
& me got a pass to go & see the prisin & 
wurks. It was orful to see them poor men 
chaned together by the ankels, brakin 
stone, so as one culdnt walk without the 
other follerin. 




The Bad Boy Abroad. 


85 


The keeper what showed us round 
pointed out a lot of fellers what had on 
•green hats, & sed theyd been sent there for 
perlitical ’fences,& would have to stay as long 
as theyd live. I guess he didnt kno he was 
lyin. They trete these fellers orful bad, if 
they was in ’Merica, theyd be drivin fast 
horses & livin in stile. 

Pa took the keeper what was showin us 
round, up ter have sum wine, & left me to 
go round & talk to the Prisners. There 
was bout 12 of them in the gang, & I give 
each pare of them a file, what I’d bort a 
lot of a purpose & told em to wach there 
chanse & I’d fix the keeper. So I went 
up to the place where Pa & him & the 
council was drinkin, & pored out the sham- 
pain for them, slippin a cuppel of Ma’s 
moorfeen powders, what she uses for New- 
ralga, into the keepers glass. 

Then we all went home, & all nite the 
guns have ben firin every 5 min nits, what 
menes that some prisners hav ’scaped. I 



86 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


guess they got away cos the paper this 
mornin says they aint found yet nor aint 
likly to be cos the peepel’s frendly to them. 

It wont be safe for me to say enything 
till we get over to Italie, then I’ll rite & 
ask that feller how he likes morfeen & 
shampain. 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XXII. 

A TALE ON HIS PA’S NAME.—A SPLENDID RECEPSHUN. 
—MICROSCOPICAL CURIOSITY’S AT VILLE FRANCHE. 
—THE BUBBEL BUSTED.—INFAMUS RETRETE. 

Nice, Franse. 

Dare Jim : 

We come down by rale from Toulou 
passin Cans the Waterin place where the 
peepel what aint got much munny go to 
put on stile cos livins cheep. Nice is a 
bully place & we’d had slues of fun since 
we cum here. We put up at the Hotel 
Der Russe. Pa forgot to regester so I rpte 





The Bad Boy Abroad . 


87 


down his name for him, the feller what 
sined the book befor him put LL.D. after 
his name so I thot we’d be fashunabel too 
so I put the inishals P.D.B.R.L.O.F.H. 
after Pas. Soon as it got round that there 
was a ’Merican with a n’alfabetical octavo 
strung on the tale of his name was stayin 
at our hotel, you orter seen the invatashuns 
to, at homes, & balls & partys flyin in to 
Pa & Ma. They was out somwheres all 
the time & Pa got as much free shampain 
as he could drink. The folks treeted me 
like I was a young prince, takin me boat 
ridin, & swimmin & fishin. Nice is a kind 
of purty place, its fiat & sanviched in 
tween two secshuns of the Alps mountains, 
theres a river with briges across runnin 
thru the town into see. 

The Promanade Days Anglays run along 
the beech & is where the folks go ridin, & 
tryin velocipedes. Bout 3 miles from Nice 
is Viller Franche, where the ’Merican fleet 
of men-a-war in Yourope go to get the 



88 The Bad Boy Abroad. 

purty gals to do there washin. We druv 
out there over the shell rode what was bilt 
by Napoleon that run long the ege of the 
mountins. When we got to the place 
what overlooks the bey, you orter seen the 
difference there was tween the ’Merican 
vessel Nipsick & one of them big french 
iron-clads. It looked like the French man- 
a-war had taken a dose of Jalap & throwd 
up the Nipsick. Pa says three of them 
iron-clads could be bilt for what the Nip¬ 
sick cost, only it wuld’n’t do to let, old 
Secor Robes-on from Jursey get his hands 
on the munney. Enyway ’Merica need’n’t 
be shamed of her salers cos we seen em 
jest crawl round the French, wen they was 
drillin sales. I think though, the ’Merican 
ofcers put on too much stile, sum of them 
on one of the ships talked to the salers like 
they was dorgs, jest as if one Merican 
was’n’t as good as a nother. 

We dropped into see Mr. Smiths folly, 
what is a castel tunneled out of the rock 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 89 

with rooms furnished & everything. I 
guess Mr. Smith knu what he was doin, 
only the fellers, what xpected to be his 
hairs did’n’t pear to like it. 

Well theres been an xplosion, & Pa & 
Ma hang their heds in shaim & blame their 
good little boy for it. Were goin to leeve 
Nice ’tween two days, cos Pa & Ma’s 
shamed to see enybody. 

There was a grand gardin party today at 
Lord & Lady Fatticakes, got up in onher 
of Pa’s tale letters. It was a norful tony 
affare; & everything went on nice till Pa 
was respondin to the toste “ our onhered 
guests,” when a young Englishmen arst 
me reel loud what degree Pa took. I told 
him Pa most always took his strate, unless 
somebody treeted him to Brandee & Soda. 
He sed he didnt mene the liker, he wanted 
to kno what the letters after Pa’s name was 
for. Wen I told him reel loud that they 
stood for Putty Darn Big Rascal, Look 
Out For Him, it appared like we’d sunk 



90 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


into insignifagance, cos there wasn’t eny 
more tostin & I herd Lady Fatticake tellin 
a nother Lady that we was nothin but a 
pack of Yankee adventurers. I spose the 
feller what had L.L.D after his name was a 
Loose Lunatic. Dangerous. 

Yours in disgrace, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XXIII. 

AT MONTE CARLO.—GAMBLIN.—HIS PA FITES A DU 
WELL & HE FIXES THINGS. 

Monaco, France. 

Dare Jim : 

We got started on the trane for Napels, 
but when we got here Pa thot we’d better 
stop off & see them gamblin. Monaco is 
rite on top of Monte Carlo what sets rite 
tween Italie & France & is guverned by a 
Prince. Its only 13 miles from Nice, 
when you get off the cars you’d think you 
was goin thru a big green house its fixed 




The Bad Boy Abroad . 


9i 


up so nice with flours & trees & the walk 
what goes up to the Hotel Days Prince, 
has a big marble balluster all long it like 
theyve got on the drop curtin at the Opra 
House. Monaco is the grate gamblin 
place of Yourope, where all the tony dueks 
& duekesses go to get rid of their monney. 
The Casseenoh, is the gamblin saloon, 
when you go in a feller in livery finds out 
wether youre a forriner or not, then he 
passes you into the “ Sally der Joy,” its a 
big parler with lookin glasses & soffers all 
round a marbel floor, with different colered 
flags, & bout 10 big tables on it. Four of 
em is Rollit tables, with a big brass pan 
thats got a wooden center with little ’pay¬ 
ments numbered from 1 to 36 and a O. On 
each side of the pan is a tabel covered with 
green cloth & little squares numbered the 
same as the pan. Theres 4 fellers to each 
tabel one of em turns the pan round & 
throws in a marbel & whatever partment 
the marbel stops at wins the monney, & 



92 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


whoever bet on it gets 35 times what they 
bet its orful xcitin only you cant bet less 
than 5 franks. Pa won 65 dollars the first 
nite & I guess he made up his mind to 
brake the bank. The other 4 tabels is 
called Rogue et Nor which is French for 
Red & Black. You can’t win much at it 
unless you dubbel up your bets every time. 
Last nite Pa was playin Rollit, & loosin 
orful Ma was’nt long so I tride to get Pa 
to stop fore he got broke, he ’greed to after 
the next bet, & then he put up 100 franks 
on O & ought come up Pa begun rakin 
in his 3500 franks wen a N’ltalyun officer 
come up & sed the monney was his, Pa was 
xcited & called him a liar & put the mon¬ 
ney in his pocket. The Italyun sed he’d 
been insulted, & challenged Pa to fite a 
duwell. Pa was fraid his onher would be 
gone up, if he did’nt so he xcepted & 
choos’d a secund & greed to fite at daylite 
this mornin with pistils. I seen Pa was 
orful scart but he maid me promis not to 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


93 


tell Ma enything bout it. Then he set up 
all nite makin his will and writin good by % 
letters to his frends in ’Merica, & drinkin 
brandee. I did’n’t go to bed cos I was 
frade I wuld’nt wake up in time. Wen 
daylite come we took a carrage & druv out 
to the place, when we had to wate bout a 
i hour for the Docter & the other duwelb 
ist. Then they meassured off a thirty 
paces & drunk a bottel of shampain wile 
the secunds xamined the pistils. I guess 
they didnt notis when I’d takin the bullet 
outer the Italyun’s cos they put Pa & him 
with there back to each other, & sung out 
one two three & then they turned round 
sorter sudden, & there was a norful report 
& both of them fell down like they was 
ded. I guess Pa’s pistil kicked, and the 
buzzard Pa shot must of fell on the Italy- 
uns hed, cos neither one of em had eny 
bullets in there bodies. Enyway they was 
both orful scart, & they shuck hands, & 



94 


The Bad Boy Abroad . 


maid it up, without eny furthur bathin 
themselves in gore. 

Y ours, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XXIV. 

LAR BELLA NAPOLI .— u HUNTIN ” IN THE “GAME PRE¬ 
SERVES ” OF “ CASTEL RAGS.”—THE ITALYUN OPRA. 
—HIS PA MASHED.—THE CURE. 

Napels, Italie, 

Cara Mea Jim: 

At this ritin we are in Napels the town 
of Italie whats maid such a grate reputa- 
shun by furnishin the wurld with them fel¬ 
lers what go round with orgins & monkeys 
playin Lar Bellar Napoli, what meens the 
Butiful Napels. It is also slitely known cos 
it has the volcano of Varsuvius stuck on one 
corner of the bay like it was a lectric lite 
tower. 

We’ve ben to see most every thing 
wurth seein, & I don’t kno what to com- 




The Bad Boy Abroad. 


95 


mense tellin you bout first, ’less I begin 
with the shows. There’s three of them 
everyday, what most everybody goes to 
xcept the wimmin whats trubbeled with 
week stomacks. 

Early in the mornin is the best time for 
the mattaney, so you hire a gide & go long 
til you come to the place they call Castel 
Rags, what is walled in & locked up every 
nite at 9 ’clock. The gide most always 
picks out a house where there’s bout 2 
wimmin & half a dozen children, makin 
maccaroney. They mix up a lot of flour 
paste & cut it in long strips & lay it out in 
the son to dry. When theyve used bout a 
panfull, & are gettin warmed up the game 
begins to stur round in the hairy forrests, 
& then the show begins. The children get 
down on there nees, & then the wimmin 
begin the hunt. They drive the game 
from the cover, & most alwus succeed in 
baggin sevral fine “ gray birds,” which 
they dispach by gently pressin ’tween there 



9 6 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


thum & finger till a snappin sound is heard. 
Wen the larger birds are thus captured the 
entire body of the child is then treeted to 
a dose of dirty water, upon wich the 
“game” is sed to flurrish & the “meet” 
is then posponed to the follerin mornin, 
when the same performanse is gone thru. 
Once is bout all a feller cares to see the 
mattaney, cos he usually feels like sum of 
the game had emigreated to Merican soil. 
I xpect youre feelin tired by this time 
reedin this letter, but my promis compells 
me to cronickle all the sites what I seen in 
Y ourope. 

In the afternoon everybodie goes to the 
Zoological gardins where they’ve got a 
n’elegent display of the nobel & refined 
animiles, & fishes includin a lot of chinee 
fellers whats attendin collage neer the 
gardins, & go thare so as to get aired. 

But the best show of all is the Italyun 
Opra at the San Carliner Opra House 
what is the biggest theater in Yourope. 



97 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


Pa’s ben there every nite, he aint mene 
but I notis he alwus buys the cheepest 
seets, rite in the front of the orchester, 



“THEY PUT PA AND HIM WITH THEIR BACK TO EACH OTHER.’* 
(See page 93.) 


that they call the pit here, & where no 
tony peepel go to set. 

The performance is singin Italyun what 
you cant understand, & dancin by a bailey 

7 








9 8 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


of gals, that ware ther skurts up under 
there arms, & jump round on one of there 
big tose, seein if they can put the other in 
there mouths. Pa Reared to njoy it, & I 
guess he thot he’d maid a mash, cos he 
thru a bokay of flours to one of them gals 
every time she come on the staige. 

I tole Ma how Pa was actin shameful, so 
we let him go hisself last nite, & Ma fixed me 
up in gals does, with a wite hat & big red 
fether & I went to the Opra House & took 
a box. Jest wen the show was bout lettin 
out I got a waiter to hand Pa a note what 
red like this : “ My darlin old sugar plum, 
I’m dyin to see you, foller me home tonite, 
but dont dare to speke till I speke first, cos 
I’m wached orful close, will go out left en¬ 
trance dont forgit your dasy with the Wite 
hat & red fether.” 

It wurked splended jest as soon as he 
seen my hat he come after me, I walked 
orful fast, & you bet it maid Pa swet to 
keep me in site, I led him all over Napels 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


99 


till it was most daylite, & I begun to get 
tired. Then I wated till he’d most cot up 
to me and says. Darlin you wate here till 
I go round the corner & see if enybodie is 
wachin at my house. He sed “ all rite,” & 
I skipped round the corner & run for our 
hotel. When Pa got home Ma was up, & 
she arst him ware he’d ben. He sed he’d 
lost his way & had ben to Hellengone, all 
nite, tryin to get back to the hotel. He 
says he’s tired of the Opra, & wont go no 
more but I guess cos he got tired watin for 
the dudine with the wite hat & red fether, 
is the reason he’s sickened on Italyun 
Opra. Pa’s gettin too old to play the 
“ dude,” but sum men aint got no respect 
for there bald heds. 

Yours truly, 

Georgie. 



IOO 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


LETTER NO. XXV. 

VASUVIUS ONE OF THE FLEWS.—LUNCH IN POMPAYI.— 
STALE BRED. 

Napels, Italie. 

Dare Jim : 

We’ve been all thru the Kings Palase, & 
seen the cradel, that the King of Italie 
used to sleep in. Its orful fancy, bein 
maid of corral & ebonie deccorrated with 
gold & cameohs, but I dont see why they 
maid such a fuss over a dirty little babee 
enyway. The museum is the principal 
site, cos theyve got all the things there 
that was found in Pompayi & Herculayon- 
him what was berried in lavah, that Vasu- 
vius throwd up wen she was sick at her 
stomack. Then there’s the armher what 
the old Romins used to ware, maid out of 
steel. Then theres the cases what the 
sojers used to lock their wives up in fore 
they went away to fite, so as they could’n’t 




The Bad Boy Abroad. 


IOI 


go to camp meetin with the brethern. 
In the art gallary, there was a norful lot of 
paintins, what ’Mericans purtend to ad¬ 
mire jest cos there old, & its the fashun to 
spend hours lookin at them. 

We druv out to Mount Vasuvius today 
& seen were there diggin up the lavah 
from round the houses & stretes of Pom- 
payi. Theyve got xcavashuns maid soas 
you can walk round the strete & into the 
houses jest like the peepel used to fore they 
was berried alive. The houses is kind of 
old fashuned but they show that the 
ainshunts had lots of munny cos the insides 
is all painted up toney. I guess old Anto¬ 
nio Comestockio wasnt livin in Pompayi 
or he’d confiscated them houses and ’rested 
the peepel for not bein maudest. 

Vasuvius must of throwd up orful sud¬ 
den cos in one house the niggar cook did’n’t 
have time to take the bred outer the oven. 
It peared to be done jest rite so I took a 
loaf & slipped it in our lunch basket. 



102 


The Bad Boy Abroad . 


When we sat down to eat a picnic dinner 
Pa opened a box of sardines & a bottel of 
wine, while Ma cut the bred & maid san- 
whiches. Pa took one bite & sed he 
guessed that dum bred had been cooked a 
week, cos it was hard as a rock, but we all 
managed to worry down a sanwhich or two 
& I didnt let on bout the bred bein several 
years old till we got home, & then they all 
took a emetic but the bred stood its ground 
& wouldnt come up worth a cent. We 
took a walk up Vasuvius but we didnt 
stay very long, cos it smelt like the Salva- 
tshun Army was illustratin there lectures 
from reel life, with sulphur & brimstone. 
Pa says he b’leives volcanos are the 
flews what give draft to the furnaces in 
Haydies. If they are the firemen must 
have to work orful hard. We was goin to 
Florences & Pisa where the Leanin tower 
is but Pas changed his mind & is goin to 
take us to Constantinople & Egipt were 
the Piramids is. 

Your frend, 


Georgie. 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


103 


LETTER NO. XXVI. 

CIVITA VEXEHER.—THE RUINS OF A CIRCUS.—IN THE 
CATACOMBS.—A CHAT WITH THE POPE.—HIS PA 
BUYS A PEECE OF THE MANTEL WHAT JULYUS SEIZ- 
HER WORE WEN HE WAS ’SASSINATED. 

Cl VITA VEXEHER. 

Dare Jim : 

We took a steembote, & went up to 
Civita Vexeher, what they call the port of 
Rome, on the mouth of the River Tybher, 
what old Regulus was whinin about wen 
they put him in the barr’l with the spikes 
in and rolled him down the hill. Our bote 
had to stop here all day, so Pa took Ma & 
me up to Rome, only seven miles away by 
the Ralerode. We seen St. Paul’s Cate- 
dral, what is sed to be the biggest Church in 
the wurld. 

Rome is celebrated cos it used to be the 
home of all the old prize liters like Julyus 
Seizher & Augustus, what could nock Sull- 



104 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


van out in one round. Theres the ruins of 
the Circus whare the GladeatHSrs used to 
fite the wild animiles. I won’t try to de¬ 
scribe all I seen cos I aint writin no ain- 
shunt historie, it makes me tired to think of 
all them fellers whats sed to be ded 2000 
yares. 

The Katacombs is wurth seein though. 
They are dug under ground, & run long 
like the passerges of a cole mine, & the 
sides is all decorated, with the skulls & 
bones of men & wimmin. I’d hate to stay 
down there alone at nite, cos I’d be apt to 
see ghosts. I wunder if eny of them lit- 
tel skeletons b’longs to Bad Boys. I can’t 
help thinkin of what a rush there’ll be in 
them Katacombs wen Gabrel blows the 
bugel. Sum of our ainshunt ansisters ’ll 
be apt to get left unless they’ve got there 
bones marked so as they’ll kno ’em in a 
hurry. 

We did’n’t warnt the Pope to feel slited, 
so we went up to the Vatikan & pade him 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 105 

a visit. He’s a jolly old man, & didnt 
’pare to get a bit mad wen I arst him how 
much his big signet ring cost; most every¬ 
body else was horror struck & sed I’d ben 
sacriligious, but I guess Mr. Pope thot a 
durn site more of me, than he did of all 
them fellers what kissed his big toe, cos he 
patted me on the hed & sed he knowd I 
was a ’Merican boy by the way I talked. 

I think Pa orter have a keeper, cos he’ll 
bankrupt the hull of us soon, if he keeps 
on buyin eny more curios. Today he pade 
40 franks for a peace of the true cross, & 
jest as we was gettin on the cars to come 
down here, a little boy come & told him 
he’d sell him a peace of the Mantel, what 
Julyus Seizeher had on wen he was ’ssas- 
sinated by “ et tu brute,” for 50 franks. 
Pa was agreed & wen the boy run to get 
it, I follered him & seen him teer a littel 
peace of cloth off the seet of his pants. 
Pa didnt kno the difference so he give him 
the money. Wen we get home the papers 



106 The Bad Boy Abroad, 

will be full of the donashun of relics what 
Pa’s goin to present to the Museam, & 
then there’ll be lots of folkes, what will 
kiss the peace of Julyus Seizehers pants. 
I guess Jay Gould’s cot on to this skeem 
of makin munney, cos I here he’s comin 
to Yourope in a new steem Yot, wile the 
Ralerode bisniss is dull. Dont give it 
away, Jim. Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XXVII. 

STROMBOILI. — EATNA’S MOUNTIN. — MASSEENHER. — 
ATHENS. — THE AKROPOLIS.—A FITE WITH ROY- 
HELLTY.—A ROYHELL MASH.—HIS PA A MILD LU- 
N ATTIC. 

Athens, Greece. 

Frend Jimmy : 

On our trip down from Civita Vexeher 
we passed Stromboilie, what is an Ileland, 
in the middel of the see with a big mount- 
in sittin on top of it what is alwus smokin 
and has a lite on top of it so as the salers 




The Bad Boy Abroad. 


107 


wont run agin it. Its called the litehouse 
of the Medid-it-rain-on See. Its a nother 
of them infurnal flues like Vasuvius, & 
throws up once in a wile. When we got 
to Maseenher what is rite on the alley that 
runs tween Italie & Sicillie we could see 
Eatna’s Mountin way off in the distanse* 
Pa says the wite thing on top of her is a 
mantel of snow, what she alwus wore. It 
’pares to me she’d want a change purty 
soon, cos it aint helthy to ware wet does 
so long. The country round Maseenher is 
where all the sour oringes are grow’d. Its 
hilly & the gardins are dug out on the 
sides, I was ashore with the bote what went 
for the male, we did’n’t stay morean ten 
minnits, but wen they got me abord agin 
they all thot the Ashuratic collera had 
struck the bote, I was orful sick, I guess 
I’d ben gone up that time if it hadnt ben for 
the brandee what they poured down my 
throte. I did’n’t get rite well till we got 
here. Next time I eat Maseenher oringes 
I’ll stop fore I get thru forty. 



108 The Bad Boy Abroad. 

Pyreus is the Port of Athens what is the 
Capitol of Greece, & is a Ileland rite in the 
middel of the' Greeshun Archypellago. 
We took the Ralerode up to the City, 
and then druv to the Hotel. The Gree¬ 
shun men dress orful funny, their jackets 
is all mbroideried & they ware wite skirts 
what only reach down to there nees, like 
the girls what dances in the bailey, with 
bare legs & slippers, & a grate big sord, 
what looks like a hay sythe, slung over there 
sholders. 

Athens has a norful lot of ruins like 
Rome, only there more ruinhered. In the 
middel of the City, is a grate big square 
mountin of erth, what they call the Akrop- 
olis, & on top of it is the ruins of Par¬ 
thenon’s Tempel where the old Greeks 
used to go to listen to the deecons preech- 
in. Its all in ruins now, but it must of ben 
a norful tony Church, wen it was first bilt, 
cos in front of the door, there’s ’bout a 
dozen marbel wimmin what our gide sed 




The Bad Boy Abroad. 109 

was carryin tidies, holdin up the porch on 
there heds. I was amusin myself throwin 
peaces of marbel down the side of the 
Akropolis seein how fast they’d go wen a 
lot of sojers come up, & was goin to arrest 
me for desecratin the ruins, & Pa had to 
bribe ’em to let me off. I’d thot they’d be 
glad to have sumbodie get rid of the old 
ruins what are scattered about. 

I hav got myself in trubbel agin. I was 
passin the park & I seen a boy bout my 
size on a velocipede, makin faces at me & 
callin me greek names. I told him to shut 
up, but it did’n’t do no good. At last I 
culd’n’t stand it no longer, so I run up to 
him, & started his nose to bleedin. Wile 
he was dryin up the blud, I took the ve¬ 
locipede for a ride, & purty soon I seen a 
regment of sojers runnin after me, so I 
maid the old thing go like litenin, & knock¬ 
ed one old feller sprawlin what didnt have 
sense enough to keep outer my way. J 
guess I’d ben goin now if I had run into 



I IO 


The Bad Boy Abroad, 

the Tempel of Thesus what wos rite in my 
corse. That give the sojers a chanse, & 
they cot up & brot me before King Gorge, 
cos it was there little boy, the Prince, what 
I maid his nose bleed. I told him how it 
was, I did’n’t kno I was pollutin my hands 
on Royhellty. 

Pa he’s got to mashin again, this time he 
got cot kissin his hand to a ladee what he 
thot was flirtin with him, cos she was fan- 
nin herself. He ’poligized wen he found out 
it wos Queen Olga, & Ma had to say he 
was a mild lunattic, or Pa would have gone 
to prisin cos King Gorge was orful mad. 
We start to take in Turkie tomorrow. 

Yours affecshunly, 

Georgie. 




The Bad Boy Abroad. 


hi 


LETTER NO. XXVIII. 

HELLSPOINT. — CONSTANTINOPEL. — THE MOSQUES.— 
“A LIAR,” “ A LIAR.”—BREEDIN FACTOREES.—THE 
VALUE OF A YALLER DORG.—THE SMOKERS PAN- 
NIC. 

CONSTANTINOPEL. 

Dare Frend Jim: 

We took another Steem bote up here 
passin thru the Dardinelles, or Hellspoint, 
what Biron swum across, wen he was livin, 
and where theyve got big cannons, what 
way 81 tons, strung all round the banks, 
on each side so as to make it hot for the 
Rushun men-a-war, wen they come mosey- 
in round where they aint got no bisness. 
Then we steemed up the See of Marmara 
till we got to the Bosphorus & the goldin 
gate, what is rite in front of Constantino- 
pel. On our way up we seen the Sultans 
Palase what they call the Seraglio, & the 
shute what they used to dump folkes what 
they wanted to get rid of em into the 



I 12 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


water, wen the’re tide in a sack & cant get 
out; 

The Citie of Constantinopel is about as 
big as her name, wen you get ashore youve 
got to go up a strete what is a long flite of 
stone steps, cos they aint got no carrage 
rode, fore we got to the hotel in the 
Youropean quarter. 

The first thing we seen was the Churches, 
what they call mosques. They are round 
& each have four or five high steepels what 
they call minaretts, with railins round the 
top. Bout half a dozen times a day a Ma- 
hommaden minister with green knicker¬ 
bockers & a smokin cap comes out on top, 
& says orful loud, “ A liar,” “ A liar,” and 
then all the Turkees, fall down on there 
faces & take a mouthful, of dust. They 
don’t appear to be eny hypercrits ’mongst 
em, cos they aint perticular bout how the’re 
dressed, or whether the feller what’s next 
to them is a beggar or a millyunhair, like 
they are in our religun at home, where a 




The Bad Boy Abroad. 113 

feller what aint got no munney’s got to 
take a back seet. 

In every strete where the Turkees live, 
there’s a yaller dorg breedin factorie, so as 
each familee will average ten yaller curs, & 
five wimmin to every man. I guess all 
them dorgs pay there rode tax cos, there 
alwus streched cross the stretes what aint 
eny wider than the dorg is long, & there 
so orful sensertive of there rites that they 
wuldnt move if you was to take a club to 
em. I was goin to have some fun with 
them, but I’d jest got a cuppel of there 
tales tide together, wen a lot of Turkees 
come long & was goin to lick me. I never 
knowd before that a mangy yaller dorg, 
was good for enything xcept you sold him 
to a oleomargerine factorie to make creem- 
ery butter of, or a butcher what had a sas¬ 
sage machine. 

The Turkees dress like the Greeks only 
they ware wide knickerbockers stead of 
skurts, and all of em have on red scull 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


114 

caps. They don’t do nothin but stay in a 
coffey salloon, drinkin coffey whats thick - 
er’n mud, & smokin the argelah which is a 



“WILE A FELLER WAS FILLIN THE BOWL I SLIPPED A LIT¬ 
TLE GIANT POWDER INTO IT.” 


big glass bottel with a pipe bowl for a stop¬ 
per. They set with there legs crossed on 
the floor & everyone has a long thing what 
comes out of the bottel like a hose with a 




















The Bad Boy Abroad. 115 

nozzel on the end that they use like a pipe- 
stem. I was wachin them for most a hour, 
& wile a feller was fillin the bowl I slipped 
a little giant powder into it. Purty soon 
wen they all got to smokin there was a 
norful loud xploshun, which scattered the 
Turkees rite & left & busted the argelah in 
more’an a 1000 peeces, & I dusted for the 
Hotel Pa & Ma is stoppin at, cos I thot my 
compny warn’t warnted no longer wher the 
Turkees was smokin. No more at present 
from your frend Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XXIX. 

A VISIT TO A HARUMTHE FAMILEE.—DURT, & SMELLS 
& OTHER THINGS.—THE HEETHIN TURKEES VS. 
THE CHRISTSHUN GREEKS. 

CONSTANTINOPEL. 

My Christshun Frend : 

Yesterday Ma & me was envited to visit 
a Harum b’longin to one of them Pashas, 
whats got bout twenty wives. There orful 




ii 6 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


perticular bout who goes round there wim- 
min, and they dont allow no men in xceptin 
the Pasha hisself. They didn’t ’pare to 
mind me cos I was a littel boy, so I went 
rite in long with Ma. You have to go 
thru a n’archway & find yerself in the 
center of a square court yard, with winders 
all round. A lot of nigger gals come out 
to meet us & escorted us to the best parler. 
Wen you get in its splendid, & smells like a 
drug store where a bottel of Oh-de-Coloney 
had got broke. The wimmin all set round 
with their legs crossed, smokin cigarettes & 
eatin candy. There dressed in long bloomer 
knickerbocker Trousers what button round 
the ankels & have got a short skirt over 
them. Everything they have on is em- 
broderied splendid. Wen they go out on 
the stretes ridin or walkin, there husbands 
makes them put a big wite cloth over there 
faces, so as they can’t flirt with nobody. 
Every Pasha’s got about a dozen reglar 
wives & about twenty extras. The Mor- 




The Bad Boy Abroad ’ 117 

mons ain’t nowhere ’longside the Turks for 
wimmin. I was introduced into the chil¬ 
drens department, there’s morean a hundred 
little boy & gal Turkees all b’longin to one 
Pasha. Sum of the gals was orful purty 
& I had a good time playin with them. 
There first rate only jest as soon as they 
get to be 10 years old, there rite on the 
maree. Wile I staid in the Harum I guess 
I’d greed, to love, Onher, & obey morean a 
dozen different gals. 

The stores of Constantinopel aint like 
ours. They call them Bazaars & there jest 
openins in the sides of houses, along the 
narrer stretes what are covered with a roof 
of mattin. Every kind of bisness is in 
seperate stretes like if you warnted a pare 
of shoes youd have to go to Shoe St. fore 
you could get them, & wen you got there, 
you’d have to praps go to a hundred differ¬ 
ent stores till you got to the one what kept 
the kind of shoes you warnted. We was 
down to the Landin to see, the Sultan goin 



118 The Bad Boy A broad. 

to Church at the St. Sophy’s Mosque this 
mornin. He goes in a grate long Canoe 
what has bout forty fellers on each side 
rowin, the sturn is all maid of carvin & gilt 
& the inside where the Sultan sits is boiler 
iron so as to resist eny efferts what mite 
be maid to send the Hed Turkees to glory, 
fore they was reddy. 

The part of the City neer the water is 
where the Greeks live. If you’ve got a 
purty strong stummack it don’t hurt a 
feller to visit there. A concentrated ex¬ 
tract of seuer gas, would be a disinfectint 
longside of the perfumes what the balmy 
breezes waft into your knose. The Greeks 
is Christians, but they appare to be orful 
superstishus in sum things. For instanse 
they have a feerful dred of water gettin on 
there skins, so they never wash theirselves. 
Bout twice a yare they exercise their¬ 
selves a little & that starts the perspiration, 
which softens the scale on their bodies so 
as they can peel it off. They’ve got to be 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 119 


orful careful about choosin the rite time, cos 
the sudden sheddin of coverin is apt to bring 
on Rhumatism. The Turkees is heethen’s, 
& ’cordin to what our minster says they 
aint no account till the’re converted, but 
it appares to me Saint Peter would rather 
see a helthy lookin heethen Turkee comin 
up to the gate, than one of them Christian 
Greeks what would make him hold his 
knose, & wach his pocket book, wile he 
was passin him up to the front seet. IT 1 
never endow a misshunery society as long 
as I live, cos I think Christianity lurns the 
heethens too much evilment. 

Yours truly, 

Ceorgie. 

LETTER NO. XXX. 

SMYRNHER.—POLLY CARPS TOMB.—TIRE, SYDON, & 
JONAH’S WALE.—JOE IRUSH.—THE CAMEL.—ALEX¬ 
ANDRIA AND THE ENGLUSH. 

Alexandria, Egupt. 

Dare Jim : 

We took a steemer for Alexandria in 
Egupt, and had a splendid run ’long the 




120 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


coast of Ashur Miner. We stopped in to 
Smyrnher for cole & got a chanse to go up 
toun and see the tombstone of Polly Carp 
what used to be a martyr. The Stretes of 
Smyrna are nice & cleener than Constanti- 
nopel, & all long the beech there's French 
Caffeys & singin salloons. We did’n’t have 
time to go out to the ruins of Diana’s 
Tempel what aint far from Smyrna, but 
I guess she’ll xcuse us wen she finds out 
our bote didnt stay there long. 

We passed Tire & Sydon what you reed 
about in the bibel, & we got a good vue of 
the rock where Jonah’s wale got squamish 
& spued him up. We stopped in at Bay- 
rout what is on the coast of Syria. Fore 
we got ashore a lot of Turkees come abord 
& one old feller come up to us soon as he 
found out we was ’Mericans, & showd us 
his reccomendashun, what red like this, 
“This is Joe Irush, now you kno, him he’s 
a dragaman, and I can conscientshusly rec- 
commend him as bein as onhest as most of 
his countreemen.” “ Mark Swain.” 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


121 


“ One of them innocense what was 
travellin in Yourope.” 

Joe was a purty good feller enyway, even 
if he did make Pa pay purty deer for a few 
hours ashore in Bayrout. 

He showed us a carravan of camels what 
was goin to Damaskus. There was bout 
two hundred of them in the gang, all of 
’em loaded with bales & boxes. Camels is 
curious animiles enyway, there sholders is 
all in a big lump whats tryin to kiss the 
back of there heds. There legs is long & 
end in feet what no shoemaker outside the 
most fashunabel ones in Chicago could fit 
with shoes. Wen you meet a caravan on 
the strete youve got to go into a shop & 
let them get past cos there aint room for 
both, and the camels alwus has the rite of 
way. We went up to the College what is 
run by the ’Merican misshunaries, & is a 
purty good thing. They make minsters & 
doctors out of the natives, so as they can 
convert the Arabs & then kill ’em off in a 



122 


The Bad Boy Abroad, 


perfesshunabel way. A Arab is a gentle¬ 
man what travels all over the desert, & 
wares bout a dozen diffrent kinds of pistils 
& knives besides his big sord. He’s a 
cross tween Bufflo Bill & Jesse James only 
he wares a red smokin cap & dresses in 
does like the Turks. Jest fore we went on 
bord the steemer Joe I rush took us thru 
the sojers barracks. The Turkish sojers are 
fine lookin men & they all carry the old 
muskets what we used to pepper the Eng¬ 
lish with in 1812, there orful prowd of 
their guns. 

We left Bayrout & got here this mornin 
all safe & tomorrow we’re goin up to 
Cairo. We’ve ben round to see where 
the Englush was Bombardin the City. I 
think it was a norful shame to spoil so 
menny nice houses, but its jest like the 
Englush they warnt everything. They’d 
send a army to Heaven if they thot there 
was eny show of capturin it. 

Your frend, 

Georgie. 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


123 


LETTER NO. XXXI. 

DONKEES.—EGUPSHUN FARMIN.—THE BABEES IN THE 
NILE.—AT THEPIRAMIDS.—BOSTON’S SPINKS.—THE 
TOMB OF THE KINGS.—MORE CURIOS.—HO ! FOR 
SPANE. 

Alexandria, Egupt. 

Dare Jimmy : 

Alexandria is celebrated for full bludded 
donkies like Queen Victoria, Garnet 
Woolsley, Chet Arthur, Guvner Cleve¬ 
land & Sammy Tilden. The fellers what’s 
with them put you astride of one & youve 
got to ride it up town, or the whole bisness 
will emigrate up behind you. I rode Ex- 
Senater Dorsey, he had a wite star wrought 
on his hed & pared to be purty tired, but 
me & my assistants what follered me up 
with sticks give him a fair trile & I found 
him rite there every time. Pa did’n’t have 
such good luck, he got shoved on one what 
they called Democrat, that ’pared to object 
to Pa’s wate & got honorary & give him a 



124 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


toss over his ears like he was givin him a 
boost up Salt River. Ma had better luck 
astraddel of Susan B. Antonie what ’pared 
to believe in womans rites, and went ridin 
up to the Hotel in good stile. 

We took the Rale Rode up to Cairo, & 
passed then a farmin countrie. They aint 
got quite up to steem plows yet. The way 
they do there plantin is this. Bout two 
men have got five acres of land, and one 
feller begins plowin with a bent stick on 
New Yares day, on one side of the farm 
wile his partner follers up and does the 
plantin & then the wimmin they pile in as 
harvest hands. By the time New Yares 
day comes round again the feller’s got to 
the end of the farm and is reddy to begin 
plowin on the first side again, unless there’s 
a war then it takes bout two yares insted 
of one to get thru the five acre farm. 

Cairo is a big citie but its sorter old 
fashurned, it has lots of Mosques & a grate 
big castel where the Keedive used to live, 



The Bad Boy Abroad\ 


125 


fore the Englush got there hand in. We 
went out to the River Nile, what our Sun¬ 
day Skule teecher sed was full of crocker- 
diles, what eat the babees the wirnmin 
throwd in the river, but I guess sum-body 
was stuffin him, cos I did’n’t see a single 
crokerdile or nigger babie no place in the 
water. 

We’ve seen the Piramids, and Spinks, & 
after all I red bout ’em I was kinder disap¬ 
pointed, cos the Piramids is only grate big 
stone steps what run way up in the air to 
a point, & a lot of Egupshun figgers on 
like this use St. Jacobs Oil, what Pa says 
was the last words of old King Faro what 
got cured of Rhumatis. Pa says sum pee- 
pel come thousands of miles to see the 
Spinks wen all they need do is to go to 
the Boston State House and look at the 
Guvner and then immagine that his hed 
was cut out of a big stone, & you have a 
correct image of the Spinks. 

We went into see the tomb of the kings, 



126 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


what is all maid of Allerbaster, they've got 
the kings remains preserved in mummy, 
but they look like they was orful dry. The 
poor fellers! there mothers wont know 
'em when the last day comes round. 

Pa’s ben layin in some more curios, this 
time it was a brick, what the Jews maid 
wen they was slaves, and a bullrush what 
was in littel Mose’s cradel when he took 
the bote ride, and Faro’s daughter got 
mashed on him. 

Egupt’s rich in Historicel events, but there 
aint much munney in historie eny way, so 
the peepel is most all orful poor, though 
sum of em make a good livin wen they 
strike such fellers as Pa. 

Wen we come back to Alexandria there 
was a bote goin to sale for Barcelona, Spane, 
so Pa thot that would be a boss way to go. 
Cos we could get a steemer from there to 
Boston. Alexandria has got another of 
Mrs. Cleopatra’s needels, like the one we 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


127 


seen in Paris, but its gettin sort of rusty. 
Were goin to sale tonite so, By By Jim. 

Y ours, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XXXII. 

WHERE THE MASONIC WILLYUM GOTES COME FROM.— 
AT THE BULL FITE IN BARCELONA.—HE BECOMES A 
HERO. 

Barcelona, Spane. 

Dare Frend: 

We had a reel pleasant trip up the Med- 
iditrainon, & only stopped at Valetther on 
the Ileland of Malta, what belongs to En¬ 
gland & is the Hedquarters of the Free¬ 
masons where they grow all of the Willyum 
Gotes what’s used in the lodges to inishiate 
grene fellers what warnt to join. 

Today was Sunday, so we went out to 
the Circus to see the bull fitin. Its a big 
round buildin, with bout half a dozen gal- 
laries. It aint got no roof only a awnin 
where the guvner & his staff sets. The re- 




128 The Bad Boy Abroad . 

served seets where all the tonie folks like 
us go is on the side where the son don’t 
shine. In the middel of the buildin is a 
grate big round place like a circus ring, only 
its bigger than Barnums, & ther’e’s a high 
wall round it with a door in it, what lets in 
the bulls & horses. We was sittin down 
near the ege of the wall, with lots of com¬ 
pany cos there was about 20,000 peepel in 
the buildin. The band begun a playin till 
the Guvner, & a lot of purty wimmin come 
in. Then a lot of fellers, with bugels, 
blew on them orful loud like they was call- 
in a regiment of sojers to fite. Then the 
door opened & bout ten horses with fellers 
on ’em, that wore big hats & long lances, 
come in & they was follered by about forty 
other fellers in green and red silk tites, 
each carryin a sheet what was red on one 
side, & yaller on the other. They praded 
round for a wile, showin theirselves off, till 
the bugelers was thru blowin. Then the 
door opened again & a grate big black bull 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


129 


come out and looked round like it was gettin 
mad, cos the fellers what had the red sheets 
was throwin them in its face. I guess Mr. 
Bull didnt like red cos he maid it so hot for 
some of them fellers that they had to jump 
on top of the wall, so as he wouldn’t get a 
chanse to butt them. Then he got site of 
one of them horses & maid a brake for it, 
but I guess the feller pricked him on the 
neck with his lance cos he turned round 
quicker’an litenin, & in less than a second 
he’d got another horse & rider on his horns, 
& was playin foot ball with it all over the 
ring, the rider got purty badly hurt, cos 
they had to take him away, & there was 
enuff loose horseflesh scattered round, to 
set a army contracter up in bisness. The 
bull kep the fun up, till he’d killed three of 
the horses, & given one of them fellers 
with the red sheets, a ticket to the way 
stashun this side of the beyond. Then the 
fellers on horses got enuff so they went 
out, & the others got a lot of sticks with 



130 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 

hooks in the end & would wait till the bull 
was rite in front of them & then sling a 
cuppel of the sticks on his neck, where 



“ I JUMPED IN THE RING & COT THE BULL BY THE HORNS.” 


they'd go off like a rocket and make the 
bull orful mad. 

Them fellers did’n’t appare to kno there 
bisness, so I thot I’d teech them a lessin, so 


















The Bad Boy Abroad. 131 

I jumped down in the ring & waited till I 
got a chanse & cot the bull by the horns get- 
tin a straddel of his neck. I guess he had’n’t 
ever ben used as a saddel horse, cos I had 
to hold on orful tite so he wouldnt throw 
me. I was beginnin to get scart, when a 
feller with a grate long sord come out, & 
made faces at the bull, & got him to rUnnin 
at him, when he got rite up to him the fel¬ 
ler run his sord in tween the bulls sholder 
rite into his hart & he dropped down ded. 

I guess the peepel thot I was orful 
brave cos they hollered so, & thru lots of 
flours & things, down to me, & then the 
Guvnor sent a offcer for me and arst me 
my name & where I was from. Soon as 
he found out I was a ’Merican he ordered 
the band to play “The Star Spangled Ban¬ 
ner,” & the wimmin what was with him 
hugged & kissed me, till I was most 
smuthered. I told them how you & me 
used to play bull fite, in the back yard of 
our house, with the old speckled cow what 
didnt give no milk, cos we run her so hard. 



132 


The Bad Boy Abroad, 


The guvner gave me a norful purty ring 
& nvited Pa & Ma & me up to his house 
to take dinner with him tomorrow. There 
was six more fites this afternoon & 7 hulls 
& 12 horses got killed. 

Your frend, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XXXIII. 

THE TOOLS OF THE INQUISISHUN.—HIS PA TRIES THE 
DIPPEREY.—GIBRALTAR THE KEY WHATS GETTIN 
RUSTY. — EXPERIMENTS ON THE TELEFONE. — 
DUBBEL GARDS.—GOOD BYE TO YOUROPE. 

Gibraltar. 

Dare chum Jimmy: 

Before we left Barcylona, we went out 
to see the tools what they used to use in the 
Inquisishun, to make folkes tell things they 
did’n’t warnt to. Theres one bisness 
what has a lot of holes in it & when a feller 
put his hed in they’d screw it down over 
his neck so as they could’nt get it out. 





The Bad Boy Abroad. 


133 


Then there’s a big woman maid out of 
steel what they put a man in to get hugged, 
wen he did’n’t embrace the religion they 
warnted him to. The insides full of long 
needels, & when a man’s put in, it shuts up 
& the needels go all thru him. They only 
used that for the cases what there warnt 
no hope for. There’s a norful lot of in¬ 
struments of torture, what makes a fellers 
blud run cold to think of. The gide what 
was showin us round went down stares to 
start up the dipperey so as we could see how 
it worked. Pa seen a iron cage & he arst 
me what that was, I sed I guessed it was a 
elevater, so he got on it, & fore he could 
get off again it started down cellar, I thot 
it was all rite but purty soon we heard Pa 
a hollerin & screamin, & the gide stopped 
the elevater & run up to see what was the 
matter. Soon as he seen Pa was missin he 
sed in Spanish, Jimminy Chrismus! hes 
drownded. Then he flue like litenin & 
started the elevater up again. Pa warnt 



134 


The Bad Boy Abroad. 


drownded, cos his hed did’n’t go under 
water, but he was tryin to contract with a 
feller that had a steem excavater, to take 
the mud off his close. Next time Pa’ll 
kno the diff’rence tween an elevater & a 
dipperey. 

We left Barcylona yesterday mornin in a 
steembote, keepin close to shore & passin 
Malaga, where all them big wite grapes come 
from. Youropewas on one side of us and 
Africa on the other, & rite in front of us 
was a grate big black thing what looked 
like the mouth of Onion Depot, only it 
was a norful site bigger, & kept growin till 
we got rite up to it. It was the Rock of 
Gibraltar what the Englush stole from the 
Spanyards like they tried to steel ’Merica 
from us. 

The backside of the rock is strate up and 
down, with a lot of guns & a flagstaff 
mounted on top. Wen you get round to 
the front then you see the town what is all 
walled in & garded by Englush sojers, & 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


135 


bout 2000 big cannons, lyin round loose, so 
as they can fire in eny direcshun. England 
claims that Gibraltar is the "key what locks 
the Me-did-it-rain-on See, but I guess the 
key’s gettin kind of rusty enyway, since the 
’Mericans inventin torpedoes. I rode a 
donkey up to the sky batterie & the old 
Moors castel, & seen all the principal sites. 

Pa & me went over to pay our respects 
to the General, & wile Pa & him, was 
drinkin shampain I telefoned up to the Sky 
Battery & told all them sojers to come 
down and report to the General right 
away, & then I talked thru it to the offcers 
in the barracks & told them to report with 
there regiments in full dress immediately. 
Purty soon the square in front of the 
house was crowded with sojers, and the 
General arst what, was the matter. The 
offcers told him they had been telefoned 
for, then he tumbeled to me & laffed & 
dismissed the sojers. But wen the fellers 
from the Sky Battery come down he didn’t 



136 The Bad Boy Abroad. 

laff so hard, cos he ordered the gards to be 
dubbeled wile I was here, & sed I’d caused 
’em, more trubbel than Araby Bay & all 
the Eguptshuns put together. Enyway it 
was a purty site to see all them sojers in 
full dress uniform. 

We’re goin to bid Good Dye to Yourope 
tonite cos we sale in a steemer for Boston. 
I’ll rite you ’bout the hub wen we get 
there. 

Yours, 

Georgie. 


LETTER NO. XXXIV. 

IN HADES.—THE BLUE NOESES AT HOME.— IN PARA- 
DICE. — HIS PA AFTER A L.L., D. —THE DUDE 
DRESSIN.—GOOD BY. 

Boston, Mass. 

Dare Jim : 

We had a splendid passage cross the At¬ 
lantic, till we got off the Newfundland 
Bank, wen it come on foggy & we had to 
lay to three days till the son come out 
again. We was gettin short of cole, so 




The Bad Boy Abroad, 


137 


the Captin hedded the Steemer for Halifax 
what is the perlite name for Hades, in 
Nova Scotia. Halifax is a purty big town, 
& has the best harber in ’Merica. The 
populashun is celebrated for there blue 
noeses, what freeze up in winter & dont 
get summer enuff to thaw out. Wen we 
landed at the warf Pa & Ma & me, went up 
to a place what they call water strete, cos 
all the stores is whisky shops & they’ve 
got to have sum water to mix with it. We 
seen the tracks so we thot we’d wait and 
take a horse-car down town, cos its ’bout 
a mile, and I guess we’d waited till King¬ 
dom Come, if a feller hadn’t told us the 
Car Companie had ben busted fifteen yares. 
The bisness part of the town is purty live¬ 
ly, but it smells orful fishy like, cos Hali¬ 
fax is celebrated for catchin more fish than 
eny other town of its size. Theres a big 
high hill what is called the citidal rite back 
of the town ; what is hollored out, & every 
time, any feller comes along, what looks 



133 


The Bad Boy Abroad . 


like a Finian, the peepel all run inside the 
Hill so as they wont get blow’d up. We 
was out to the Horticultural gardins where 
the band plays & where nobody but toney 
folks can go in. Halifax would be a nor- 
ful rushin place if the Englush would take 
away there sojers, and them offcers what 
are all dudes. We did’n’t stay long there, 
cos we was in a hurry to get here to Para- 
dice. We had a nice trip up & put up 
here at the Tremont House. I went out 
alone to take a walk, & I got down to a 
place what sed Boston & Maine Depot, 
then it was gettin neer dinner time so I 
started back to the Hotel. I’ve walked 
till I’m most ded, my golly but Boston’s 
got a norful slue of Boston & Maine De¬ 
pots. I seen bout a dozen of em wile I 
was tryin to get back to the Hotel. I got 
a perliceman to show me the way, cos I 
culdnt find it myself. Pa’s goin out to 
Harvard College this afternoon, he sed one 
of his old teecher’s is a Perfesser there, but 



The Bad Boy Abroad. 


139 


I guess he’s goin, to play pokher for a 
L.L., D. 

Wile I’m writin there’s a dude in the 
room cross the hall, changin his shirt. He’s 
got the bottom of it frilled & draped with 
lace I tell you he’s fly, for he’s puttin on 
his bangs now. I guess he’s goin to see 
his dudine. I aint had no fun since we’ve 
been here the peepel of Boston aint a bit 
sochabel, cos they don’t ’pare to aprechiate 
me. 

We start for home tonite & I’m glad. 

Wen I get back home to my own citty 
of New York, I’m goin to keep a Diary 
of what I du every day, ’cause I find it 
edecates one to keep a rekord of his dooins 
day by day. 

By By, Jimmy dare. 

I’ll see you latah, 

Georgie. 



B3F" All who have been interested and amused by 
reading of the experiences of “ The Bad Boy Abroad ” 
will be very much more interested in reading “ A Bad 
Boy’s Diary,” of which nearly 200,000 copies have al¬ 
ready been sold. No humorous book ever issued has 
received the universal commendation which has been 
freely given this volume. Just read what those who 
have read it say of it, and if you buy the book and are 
not satisfied that you have received more than five 
dollars worth of laughing out of it, let us know and we 
shall be glad to extend our sympathy. 

One reader says of it: “I received the copy of * A Bad 
Boy’s Diary,’ and most of my family are killed with 
laughter over it. Send me another copy at once, as I 
hope to dispose of the rest of them in the same happy 
way.” 

Another says : “ I’ve heard of rail-splitting and side¬ 
splitting, but I never experienced splitting in my side 
till I read your book. It is too comical for anything. 
It ought to be in the hands of every one that loves fun.” 


WHAT THE PRESS SAYS OF IT. 

A Bad Boy’s Diary. —We have just received from 
the publishers a copy of a book with the above signifi¬ 
cant title, and which is one of the funniest books ever 
issued. But it is a mean book, after all. A good old 
deacon, who had not smiled in fifteen years, called at 
our office, and we let him see a copy of this new book. 
He went into laughing hysterics, and had to be con¬ 
veyed home on a stretcher. As soon as he revives he 
will commence an action against us for bodily injury. 
And we, in turn, shall commence suit against the pub¬ 
lishers for leading us into trouble, and a lively time 
may be expected. If your life is insured, aud you want 


140 



to do your family a great good by giving them a chance 
to get the insurance money, send for a copy of this 
book. 

Another Editor says of it: “It made us laugh 
till our sides ached and the tears came. ” Another 
says: “ It will drive the blues out of a bag of indigo. 
It is worth five dollars, but costs only fifty cents.” Still 
another says: “ This ‘ Bad Boy’s Diary’ is too funny 
for anything. It is having an immense sale, and it de¬ 
serves it. Every one that enjoys the humorous side of 
life ought to read this little book.” 

A handsome and complete edition of “A Bad Boy’s 
Diary,” in one volume, has just been issued, and is for 
sale by Booksellers everywhere. 

It is printed from new, large type, and on fine paper, 
and contains 280 pages. New illustrations have been 
prepared for this edition, including, among others, the 
autograph and Portrait of “ Little Georgie,” the 
“ Bad Boy,” the record of whose experience has given 
such universal satisfaction to hundreds of thousands of 
readers everywhere. Price, handsomely bound in 
cloth, with ink and gold side and back stamp, $1. In 
lithograph paper cover, printed in fine colors, 50 cents. 
Sent by mail, post-paid, to any address on receipt of 
price. 

We give in the following pages the Table of Con¬ 
tents and opening chapters of “ A Bad Boy’s Diary ” 
with the expectation that all who read them will be in¬ 
terested in securing the complete book. 

It will pay you to send for it at once. Send 50 cents 
for the paper cover, or $1.00 for the cloth book to J. S. 
Ogilvie & Co., Publishers, 31 Rose Street, New York, 
and it will be sent to you by return mail, or ask any 
newsdealer or bookseller for it, and if they have not got 
it on hand they will order it for you. 



CONTENTS 


Chapter. Page. 

I—How he Began it, 7 

II.—The Photographs, - - - 14 

III— The Party, - - - - - 21 

IV— The Elopement,.28 

V. —“ He Didn’t Know ’twas Loaded,” - 35 

VI. —Under the Table, 42 

VII.—The Little Prestidigitateur, 49 

VIII.—Mister Wilkins takes his Sister out 

to Ride,. 59 

IX.—He Helps his Sisters at the Fair, - 68 

X.—The Surprise Party, - - - - 78 

XI.—He Goes to Church, - - - - 87 

XII.—He Becomes a Burglar, - - - 96 

XIII. —The Last Straw, . . - - 106 

XIV. —A Great Improvement, - - - 116 

XV.—He Becomes a Kleptomaniac, - 126 

XVI.— He is Suspended, - - - J 35 



VI 


Contents , 


Chapter. Page. 

XVII— “Goodness Me! It was the Cat,” 144 
XVIII— He Makes and Flies a Kite, - 153 

XIX. —He Enjoys the First of April, - 162 

XX.— The Way he Earned his Pony, - 172J 

XXI. —He Contrives to go to the Wedding 182 
XXII. —In the Lion’s Den, - - - 191 

XXIII. —He is Disinherited, - - - 201 

XXIV.— A Fatal Experiment, - - - 210 

XXV.—How he Ran the Balloon, - - 219 

XXVI. —He Runs a Locomotive, - - 228 

XXVII— He Visits the Falls, - - - 238 

XXVIII. —He Takes Part in the Election, 250 

XXIX. —He Mixes in Politics, - 258 

XXX. —He is Discouraged, ... 367 




A BAD BOY’S DIARY. 


CHAPTER I. 

HOW HE BEGAN IT. 

I WAS ate years ole yesterday, an’ mamma 
she says to me : 

“ Georgie, wot would you like for a burthday 
present ? ” 

So I said a “ diry,” cause all my growed-up 
sisters keep a diry, an’ I thought it would be 
about the figger. So mamma she got me one. 
I wanted to begin it all rite, so I stole up to 
Lily’s room to copy suthin out o’ hern; but she 
keeps it locked up in her writing-desk, an’ I had 
a offal time getting a key that would fit. At 
last I found one, an’ set down when Lil was out 
a calling an’ coppied oph a page good as I 
could. 

I’ve got three sisters what all lcepes their 
dirys an’ writes into ’em every night after their 
hair is took oph an’ put in the buro drawer, 
’xcept what is put in crimps. So to-nite Mister 
Wilyem Smith he come to see Lil, like he does 



8 


A Bad Boy's Diary , 


most every evening, a big, ugly ole bashlor that 
my sisters makes fun of behind his back, an’ I 
was in the parlor with my diry in my hand an’ 
he ast me wot I got, an’ give me sum candy, an’ 
I showed him my diry, an’ he red this out loud 
Ho Lil and Bess, which was in the room all fixed 
up to fits: 

“ I wish that stupid ole Bill Smith would keep 
hisself to home. He came agen Sunday night. 
I never, never, never, never shall like him one bit, 
but mother says he’s wrich an’ I must accept him 
if he offers. Oh, how crewel it is to make me 
practis such dooplicity! It seems as if my heart 
would brake. What awful grate big red hands 
he’s got an’ can’t talk about nothin’ but how 
many houses he owns, an’ his cravats Is in retched 
taste. I wish he’d stay away an’ done with it. 
He tride to kiss me wen he was goin’ Sunday 
night, but I’d just as soon have a lobster kiss 
me. Oh ! he is so different from my sweet, sweet 
Montague De Jones. Wot a pity Montague is 
a poor clerk! I can not bare this misery much 
longer. Montague is jellus an’ reproaches me? 
biterly. Oh, wot a fraud this life is! I’m wery 
of it.” 

Lil she was a screechin’ an’ a tryin’ to snatch 
it all the time, but Mr. Smith he held it up high, 
an’ red it all; then he sed to me wot made you 
rite such stuff? I sed it wan’t stuff—I got it 
out of my sister Lily’s diry, an’ I gess she knew 





A Bad Boy s Diary . 


9 


enufif to keep one, an’ he took his hat an’ went, 
and Bess she sez to me: 

“ Now you’ve done it, George Hackett! ” 

Lil made a grab at me, but I dodged an’ run. 

I never see such a boy as I am fur gettin’ into 
scrapes. The hull family is down on me, an’ 
say I’ve spiled the match an’ lost ’em a hundred 
thousand dollars, but I can’t see how I am to 
blame for jest takin’ a few lines out of Lily’s 
diry. 

One thing is sure—the rest o’ this book will 
be my own composishun good or bad. I’m dis¬ 
gusted with the fool-stuff in them girls’ dirys. 

There was such a row to home ’bout it to-day 
I didn’t seem to want my dinner, so I went fish¬ 
ing. It wasn’t cloudy, so they wouldn’t bite. 
A man come along an’ he sez : 

“ Got any bites, sonny ? ” 

I wish folks wouldn’t call me sonny—it makes 
me mad ; so I hollered : 

“ Confound the fish ! ” 

And he sez: 

“ Wot a wicked boy ! ” 

And I sez: 

“Not a tall, the fish is in the dam.” 

And he scratched his head and went on. Just 
then suthin’ bit, an’ I leaned over too far an’ 
fell in. You oughter seen me go over that dam 
an’ shoot into the mill an’ go right over the 
wheel, but it wa’n’t until after I got into the 



IO 


A Bad Boy's Diary . 


shute that I thought I guess they’d be sorry, 
now they’d never have Georgie to scold no more. 
I don’t know what I thunk wen they got me 
out, coz I was drowned dead as a door-nale 
but they roled me on a barel, an’ blowed into 
my inside with a bellows, an’ I come to an’ ast 
’em if they’d saved my fishpole. 

I don’t know wot made mama cry wen they 
brought me home, coz I was all right then, an’ I 
told her so. I was awful glad I fell in, coz they 
got over bein’ mad at me. Lil made me some 
real good toaste an’ tea, an’ ’bout dark they all 
went down to supper an’ left me rapped up in 
blankets that I thought I should smother, so I 
got up an’ put on my best sute—my other one 
was gettin’ dry. I betted they’d scold me for 
gettin’ up, an’ I crawled down into the parlor, 
an’ got behind the curtains of the bay winder. 
I was that tired I fell asleep, an’ wen I woken 
up I heard voices, an’ I made out ’twas Susan 
an’ her bow a settin’ together on the sofy. Bess 
she was ratling away at the peano t’ other end 
o’ the room. Lil was upstairs, ’cause she knew 
Mr. Wilyem Smith wouldn’t come no more. 

“ We’ll haf to wate,” says he, “ at leste a year. 
Old Docktor Bradley wants a younger man to 
do the ridin’, an’ he’s promised to take me in as 
pardner this fall. Can you wate for me, my 
darlin’? You’ll haf to haf lots of pashunts,” 
btz he. 



A Bad Boy s Diary . 11 

“An’ so will you,” says Sue, and then they 
laughed. 

“ We’d better kepe it a profound secret foi 
the present,” sez he. 

“ Yes,” sez she, “ of course. It’s the best pol¬ 
icy to kepe long engadgements secret, suthin’ 
mite happen, you know.” 

And then she jumped up as if she was shot, 
an’ run acrost the room, an’ set down in a chair 
jist in time, for some folks come in, and then 
some more. Everybody wanted to know how 
poor little Georgie was, an’ then mama came in 
an’ said I’d run away—she was awful ’fraid I 
was dellerius out of my head, my brane might 
be effected. So I jest gave them curtins a whop, 
an’ jumped right out as if I was a playin’ leap¬ 
frog, an’ the way they hollered would a made 
you laught. 

“ Oh, Georgie, Georgie! ” groaned poor mama, 
“you’ll be the deth of me, I know you will.” 

“Were you in the bay-winder all the time?” 
ast Sue, a turnin’ red an’ pale. 

“You bet,” sez I, an’ then I wunk at her an* 
wunk at him. “ I knowed honesty was the best 
pollicy,” I begun; “but wot makes it the best 
pollicy not to let on when your engaged, lik you 
was a talkin’ about ? ” Then Sue she yerked me 
out o’ the room, an’ jis’ as we got to the door I 
hollered: “ Let go my arm! I’ll go without bein’ 
grabbed. Say, Sue, I wonder wot made you 



12 


A Bad Boys Diary . 


hop off the sofy when those folks rung the bell! 
Did Docktor Moore—” 

But she put her hand right over my mouth 
and slammed the door. 

“ I have as good a mind as ever I had to eat 
to whip you, Georgie! ” she sez, beginning t'o 
cry. “ You have let the cat out of thr bag, you 
horid, horid boy! ” 

“ Wot cat ? ” ast I. 

“ Docktor Moore will never forgive you,” sob- 
bin’ as if she’d dropped her only stick o’ candy 
in the well. “ We didn’t want a sole to dreme 
of it for the next six months.” 

“ Ime sorry I did it, sis,” sez I, “ I’ll never do 
it agane if you’ll stop blubberin’. What did I 
do, anyhow ? If I’d a knowed he was so easy 
fritened I wouldn’t a jumped out so sudden for 
the world. I wouldn’t marry a feller wots so 
’fraid o’ things. He might get scart into a fit 
some time if he saw a white sheet on the close¬ 
line in the night. I don’t believe in gosts, do 
you ? ” 

By that mamma she came an’ took me up to 
bed agane, an’ tole Betty, the chamber-made, to 
stay by me till I fell aslepe, an’ I got Betty to 
write this in my diry for me, cause I felt so tired 
and sleepy. Betty’s bow’s got red hair and a 
crost eye. I peked through the ary winder 
onest, and seen him kepe one eye on the cook— 
that’s ill-tempered as she can be—an’ one on 




A Bad Boy s Diary . 


13 


Betty, an’ I wished I had crost eyes, so I could 
keep one on my book, an’ one on Tommy Ful* 
ler wen he puts pins in the schollars’ seats. 
Crost eyes would be the convinyuntest things 
fur boys that have to go to school. Betty yawns 
like the top of her head would fall off. So I 
must close. 



CHAPTER II. 


THE PHOTOGRAPHS. 

I ’VE been 2 sick too write in my diry for most 
a week. It was gettin’ drownded made me 
ill, an’ gettin’ out o’ bed when I was swetty. 
Docktor Moore he’s been up to see me twist a day. 
He’s been so good to me I’m sorry I fritened 
him that night. I herd Bess tell Lily this morn¬ 
ing she was glad I was sick, ’cause there was 
some piece in the house now; she hoped I’d 
stay in bed a month. I wonder wot girls don’t 
like their little brothers for. I’m sure I’m real 
good to Bess. I go to the post-offis fur her 
twist a day when I am well. I never lost moren 
three letters fur her. Golly! ain’t I glad she 
don’t know ’bout them ! 

This afternoon I felt so much better I wanted 
to get up, so when I heard Betty cornin’ with 
my supper, I slipped out o’ bed an’ hid behind 
the door. I had mamma’s shawl around me, 
an’ I jumpted out as she come in, an’ barked as 
like I was a big black dog, an’ that careless cre- 
ture just dropped the server on the floor. Such 
a mess! The china bowl was broke, the beef- 


A Bad Boy's Diary . 


15 


tea spilt on the carpet, an’ the hull family rush¬ 
ed up-stairs to hear her scream as if the house 
was on fire. I didn’t know Betty was such a 
goose. They all blamed me—they always do. 
I believe when I get well I’ll run away, an’ be a 
buf’lo bill, or jine a ship. There never was a 
boy got such tretement—so unjust. 

To-day I was let sit up, tucked up in a quilt 
in a arm-chare. I soon got tired o’ that, so I ast 
Betty to get me a glass o’ ice-water to squench 
my thirst, an’ when she was gone I cut an’ run, 
an’ went into Susan’s room to look at all them 
fotografs of nice young men she’s go there in a 
drawer. 

The girls was all down in the parlor, ’cos Miss 
Watson had come to call. Betty she came a 
huntin’ me, but I hid in the closet behind a ole 
hoop-skirt. I come out when she went away, an’ 
had a real good time. Some o’ them fotografs 
was written on the back, like this: “ Conseated 
fop!” “Oh, ain’t he sweet?” “He ast me, 
but I wouldn’t have him.” “A perfeck dar¬ 
ling ! ” “ What a mouth ! ” “ Portrait of a 

/donkey ! ” 

I kep about two dozen o’ them I knew, to 
have some fun when I got well. I shut the 
drawer so Sue wouldn’t notice they was took. 
I felt as if I could not bare to go back to that 
nasty room, I was so tired of it, an’ I thought 
I’d pass my time a playing I was a young lady. 




i6 


A Bad Boys Diary . 


So I put on Sue’s old bustle, and a pettycoat 
with a long tale to it, and Sue’s blue silk dress, 
only it wouldn’t be big enuff about the waste. 

I found a lot o’ little curls in the buro, wich I 
stuck on all around my forehead with a bottle of 
mewsiledge, and then I seen some red stuff on a 
sawcer, wich I rubbed onto my cheaks. When 
I was all fixed up I slid down the bannisters 
plump againste Miss Watson, wot was sayin’ 
good-by to my sisters. Such a hollerin’ as they 
made! 

“ My best blue silk, you little imp ! ” said Sue. 

Miss Watson she turned me to the light, an 
sez she, as sweet as pie : 

“ Where did you get them pretty red cheeks, 
Geordie ? ” 

Susan she made a sign, but I didn t know it. 

“ I found some red stuff in Sue’s drawer,” sez 
I, and she smiled kind o’ hateful, and said: 

“ Oh!” 

My sister says she is an awful gossip, wich will 
tell all over town that they paint, wich they 
don’t, 'cause that sawcer was gust to make rosesi 
on card-bord, wich is all right. 

I stepped on to the front o’ Sue’s dress goih 
up stares agen, an’ tore the front bredth acrost. 

She was so mad she boxed by ears. 

“ Aha, missy ! ” sez I to myself, “ you don’t 
guess about them fotografs wot I took o’ your 
drawer! ” 





A Bad Boy s Diary . 


17 


Some folks think little boys’ ears are made on 
purpose to be boxed—my sisters do. If they 
knew wot dark an’ desprate thoughts come into 
little boys’ minds, they’d be more careful—it 
riles ’em up like pokin’ sticks into a mud puddel. 

I laid low—but beware to-morrow! 

They let me come down to brekfast this 
mornin’. 

I’ve got those pictures all in my pockets, you 
bet your life. 

“ Wot makes your pockets stick out so? ” ast 
Lily, when I was a waiting a chance to slip out 
unbeknone. 

“ Oh, things,” sez I, an’ she laughed. 

“ I thought mebbe you’d got your books and 
cloathes packed up in ’em,” sez she, “to run 
away an’ be a Injun warryor.” 

I didn't let on anything, but ansered her: 

“ I guess I’ll go out in the backyard an’ play 
a spell.” 

Well, I got off down town, an’ had a lot of fun. 
I called on all the aboriginals of ^hem fotografs. 

“ Hello, Georgie! Well agen ? ” said the first 
feller I stopped to see. 

Oh, my! when I get big enuff I’ll hope my 
mustaches won’t be waxed like his’n ! He’s in 
a store, an’ I got him to give me a nice cravat, 
an’ he ast me “ Was my sisters well ? ” so I 
fished out his fotograf, and gave it to him. 

It was the one that had “Conseated Fopl’* 



i8 


A Bad Boy s Diary . 


writ on the back. The girls had drawed his 
musttaches out twict as long with a pencil, an’ 
made him smile all acrost his face. He got 
as red as fire, an’ then he skowled at me. 

“ Who did that, you little rascal ? ” 

“ I guess the spirits did it,” I said, as onest as 
a owl, an’ I went away quick cause he looked 
as mad as thunder. 

The nex plaice I come to was a grocery store, 
where a nuther young man lived. He had red 
hair an’ freckles, but he seemed to think hisself 
a beauty. I said : 

“ Hello, Peters ! ” 

He said: 

“ The same yourself, Master George. Do you 
like raisins? Help yourself.” 

Boys wot has three pretty sisters allers does 
get treted well, I notiss. I took a big hanful 
of raisins an’ a few peanuts, an’ sot on the coun¬ 
ter eating ’em, till all at oncest, as if I jest thought 
of it, I took out his fotograf an’ squinted at it, 
an’ sez : 

“ I do declare, it looks like you.” 

“ Let me see it,” sez he. 

I wouldn’t for a long time, then I gave it to 
nim. The girls had made freckles all over it. 
This was the one they wrote on its back, “ He 
asked me, but I wouldn’t have him.” They’d 
painted his hair as red as a rooster’s comb. He 
got quite pale when he seen it dost. 




A Bad Boy's Diary . 


1 ? 

“It’s a burning shame,” sez I, “for them 
young ladies to make fun o’ their bows.” 

“ Clear out,” sez Peters. 

I grabbed a nuther bunch o’ raisins an’ qui¬ 
etly disappeared. I tell you he was rathy ! 

Mister Courtenay he was a lawyer, he’s got a 
offis on the square by the cort-house. I knew 
him very well, ’cause he comes to our house 
offen. He’s a awful queer-lookin’ chap, an’ so 
stuck up you’d think he was tryin’ to see if the 
moon was made o’ green cheese, like folks sez it 
is, the way he keeps it in the air. He’s got a 
depe, depe voice way down in his boots. My 
harte beat wen I got in there, I was that fritened ; 
but I was bound to see the fun out, so I ast him : 

“ Is the What is It on exabishun to-day?” 

“ Wot do you mean? ” sez he, a lookin’ down 
on me. 

“ Sue said if I would come to Mister Courte¬ 
nay’s offis I would see wot this is the picture 
of,” sez I, givin’ him his own fotograf inskibed, 
“ The Wonderful What is It.” 

It’s awful funny to see their faces wen they 
look at their own cards. 

In about a minit he up with his foot wich I 
doged just in time. I herd him muttering suth- 
in’ ’bout “ suing for scandal.” I think myself 
I oughter arrest her for salt an’ battery, boxing 
my ears. I wishst he would sue Sue, ’twould 
serve her right. 



20 


A Bad Boys Diary . 


I’ll not get to bed fore midnight if I write 
enny more. I’me yawning now like a dying 
fish. So, farewell my diry till the next time. 
I give them cards all back fore dinner-time.> 
There’ll be a row I expect. I’ve laughed my¬ 
self almost to fits a thinkin’ of the feller wot I 
give “ The Portrait of a Donkey ” to. He looked 
so cress fallen. I do believe he cried. They 
were teazin’ ma to let ’em give a party nex week 
wen I got home to dinner. I don’t believe one 
of them young gentlemen will come to it; the 
girls have give 'em all away. I don’t care wuth 
a cent. Wot for do they take such libertys with 
my»ears if they want me to be good to ’em. 

P.S.—I bet their left ears are burning wuss’n 
ever mine did! 




CHAPTER III. 


THE PARTY. 

O DERE! O dere! Wot a world this is! 

Little boys are born to trubble as the 
sparks are to fly upwards. It's over a week sence 
I’ve had the harte to rite one word in my diry. 
Poor diry! the reckord of a braking harte, I 
come to the for consultashun! On this paige 
will I discribe my wose. It hurts me yet to sit 
down square on my sete, but I will tri to bare it 
for thi sake. 

It all dates from the day I carrid the fellers back 
their fotografs. As I said, the girls they tezed 
ma to give ’em a party, wich she promised, so 
they was in hi fether, an’ begun to rite out the 
list of those they meant to ast, that afternoon. 
They wur all three as bizy as bees, an’ I was 
bean good, settin’ on a chare, a listenin’ quietly, 
coz I was tired, when the bell wrung, an’ who 
do you s’pose it proofed to be but our Aunt 
Betsey, she that lives to Hoppertown an’ comes 
to see us twicst a yere. My sisters was put out, 
cause they gnu she’d stay a week, an’ be here 
to the party. Lily made a rye face when she 
herd it. 


22 


A Bad Boys Diary . 


“ Nasty ole thing! ” sez she; “ she alwis comes 
at the most unconvynyant times.” 

“ She’ll be sure to stay,” says Bess, “ if she 
heres about it, and she’l ware that old green silk 
o’ hern, with a yellow hed-dress, and them lile 
thred gloves.” 

“ She’ll mortify us awfully,” sez Sue. 

I b’leve Aunt Betsey is writch, but she’s that 
old-fashuned you’d think she come out o’ the 
ark, with the animals, too an’ too, only Aunt 
Betsey must a come alone, ’cause she is a ole 
made. 

So when I herd ’em say they hoped she 
wouldn’t stay to the party, I hoped she wouldn’t 
too. To tell the truth, I had a gilty conshuns 
’bout those fotografs wich I had done for spite. 
Oh, it is drefful to hav a gilty conshuns, it ways 
like lead. I wisht I hadn’t done it, but thare’s 
no use cryin’ for spilt milk, so I resolved I’d do 
suthin’ for my sisters to make up. 

When tea was over, I got Aunt Betsey by 
herself into the hall, and said to her: 

“ Wood you like to make my sisters happy?” 

“ What do you mean ? ” sez she. 

“ ’Cause, if you would,” sez I, “ please go away 
before the party. They don’t want you here 
that night. I herd ’em say so. Don’t let on I 
tole you, Aunt Betsey, but jus’ go home quiet 
the day before nex’ Thursday, an’ I’ll be obliged 
to you as ever was.” 




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